At The Impound Lot

There comes a time in every reps term where we get towed. Like it or not its destiny. You and the impound lot were meant to be together.

Its another one of my favorite hundred degree weather days. As usual I am in a fabulous suit with pumps, sweating like I'm filming a commercial for Nike. I'm hobbling along block after block seeing bunions in my future.

I get back to where my car is and its not there. I don't know why but I can't read the signs in NYC. I don't understand what they are trying to say. Do they speak Aramaic at the DMV? You know these punks created this labyrinth so they can issue tickets.

I ask some guy who's pooping his dog where my car could be towed to. He says "one place the impound lot". As luck would have it, on the other side of the city.

At the time I am poor and can't believe its going to cost me $350 to get my car back. I might also mention the car is not even worth $350...its 12 years old. I decide I can't afford to spend any more money, so a cab is out-of-the-question.

To further punish myself for being such a dumby I pilgrimage some 47 blocks to my destiny. When I arrive I find out that I need to present my ID and then wait for an hour. Why the wait I ask? The cops tell me they have to run a background check and be sure I have no outstanding tickets.

Where is the customer service?

I sit in one of the worlds dirtiest cities in an even dirtier office. The cop behind the desk is staring at my boobs. I notice for some reason that gnats are everywhere. I face the decision to wait out in the heat or hang with the "lord of the flies."

I conclude they are checking me out to see if I am mob connected... as they only do in NY.

It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times

New York, New York. The Big Apple. Everyone thinks we look super chic and flawless all the time. We just play it off better than the rest. This is the story about a sort of "we're not in Kansas anymore Toto" realization.

Sometimes I can't believe I used to put up with the kind of stuff I did. I just remembered a time when the old NYC rep left, and I added NYC to my existing 6 state territory. I was about a month into it and was not yet making money. I was still very much "California Wussified". Culture shock would be be putting it mildly.

So "Times Were Hard On The Blvd" as the old rap song says....I had debts to pay and it was 100 degrees in the shade...the subways maybe 110. I probably had sweat in inappropriate places..

Recently I had gotten a bit fat (hey I'm honest) and my new platform shoe from Nine West collapsed. I am convinced this is why. The shoes hurt to begin with which should have served as a warning.. but they were hot and cheap so I got them.

I had to spend all day walking around the city on my tippy toe, in this broken shoe, looking like I had survived polio. I just could not afford to buy new shoes.

Its a hard knock life...

How To Shower: Boys and Girls

I'll admit at the moment I'm idealess...however I think you'll find this video hilarious.

Let me know what you think in the comments section. :)

In Case You Wanted to Know.

How would you describe your target customer?

Our target customer is anyone who likes posh skincare with the newest edge available. This is a client that is slightly more conscious than the rest of the world and read labels to ensure their skincare is the cleanest, greenest and most eco-friendly home care grooming ware available. They also appreciate technology and happier molecules.

Let’s talk about your target customer, or your growth customer… what steps have you taken to attract this person?

Again? Arghh!

Ok we have taken the green factor and turned it up a notch. We like to call ourselves Green to the 12^th power. Our images on the website are thought provoking to ensue a new version of cool that has never before existed in a world full of Greenies. In essence its “Tree Hugger Chic".

Who else do you need to sell to? Who is your current advertising missing?

We have no current advertising as the website has not launched yet. Please help me so I can move out of my mama’s house.

Joking (ok not really).

Who are your main competitors? I trust no one.

How do their operations differ from yours? They are warehouses like Costco for Skincare.

How do they advertise? They are Google whores.

What are your strongest points? I am greener and meaner.

What are theirs? They have more money and more products and higher rankings.

Commentary: I would love to think I have no competition but that would just make me a huge narcissist right? My arch enemies are anyone higher on Google than I. Lets face it in the world of the "wild,wild, web." It’s all about who’s on top and who’s bent over.

Did I just say that??

With respect to your three biggest business goals, where are you today and where do you need to be?

I need to launch. My first initial goal is 500 billion dollars and a ring from David Beckham..

Its a big goal but someones gotta dream it.

What is your timetable? When I start getting gray pubes its been too long.

Hence You Must Mask Ye Faire Maiden...

How wretched you must look if you don't mask your face at least 3 times weekly, your body once weekly. We have come such a long way and modern concoctions are rather effortless.

Why? Because its how we treat the skin to the stuff it can't absorb. Just because your skin doesn't swallow up clay or seaweed it does not mean we shouldn't use it.

Who speaks such blasphemy?

In Shakespearean and Renaissance plays and readings, the frequent reference to "fair" actually means "distinctly shining". Egg glaze and poppy oil were just some of the things used to treat the skin and insure courtship.

Women also used to wear protective armor-like mask's around the square. This was done after chemical peels were left on the skin for 7 days. These peels would wound the face for a week or so and the mask served to protect it from the sun and to keep the skin "faire". Upon the 7th day the face would first be steamed with honey. Removal was complete by gently rubbing milk soaked breadcrumbs on the face. It wasn't rare for a woman of 50 to look 25.

Now today's painless masks can do many things like moisturize, brighten, give you that "O glow"... whatever your heart desires.

Or maybe just a little mini detox from your latest hangover?

Gone are the days of quicksilver, lemon and turpentine peels. Wait what?

How To Eliminate Adult Acne- The Paleo Diet

If your dealing with adult acne there is one thing that you need to know; the cause. Believe me when I say its dietary.

I am not talking about eating to much chocolate or drinking too much coffee. I'm talking about sugar, grain and dairy. The bottom line is they are not fit for human consumption. If you don't believe me just read the Paleo Diet book and try the diet for 4 weeks. Every single zit will be gone. I guarantee it.

The root cause of acne is always misunderstood. Most think that because oil exists on the skin during this time that it's the cause. They try to treat the oil, always unsuccessfully by burning the skin with chemical peels or drying the skin with Peroxide. Neither works long term and the acne returns. The reason for this is that the physiology and PH of the skin have not changed. This is fundamentally internal and must be done with diet.

The root cause of acne is inflammation and inflammation is always caused by food allergens. So why are we always trying to treat the oil? Long ago scientists discovered that many times oil was present in acneic skin conditions. It was known that the oil that was clogging the follicle was of a thicker nature; hence the clogging. The mission then became to treat the oil as it appeared to be the cause. I think the oil is there to protect the skin from inflammation. In essence oil production can increase we are under stress, or generally not treating ourselves well.

So what came first the chicken or the egg? Or in this case the inflammation or the oil?

I'm going to stake my vote on inflammation which is the cause of all disease.

So what causes inflammation?

Stop eating that candy and just read the book already...

How To Bathe Part 2: Lavender Can Kill You

Back in the day, when I was still an amateur bather, I discovered aromatherapy. I would go to the herb store and buy those bottles of 100% pure essential oils. Some of them I could buy a little larger than others because they were used more frequently. I decided to buy a large bottle of Lavender. This bottle was 50 bucks.

So I get home and start to run the bath. I open the bottle and without looking dump half of the bottle into the bath. Normally these bottles come with a dropper in the top. So when you pour it you can count the drops. This bottle had no stopper because it was professional sized. I had no idea this was the case.

I am looking at the tub and thinking to to myself that I will take this bath since its now a $25 bath. I get in the tub. Ah relaxing!!! But wait is that a headache coming on?

After about 15 minutes I start to feel weird like I'm going to pass out in the tub. I can't keep my eyes open, I try to stay awake but feel sick in the process. I am now nauseous, and weakly trying to hold onto the side of the tub so I don't drown and then I taste it... lavender oil in my mouth?

How did I swallow it? I wonder if this is the problem.

I realize that I did not swallow it but that it was in every cell of my body and that's why I could actually taste it. In my aromatherapy training I was taught this but was a non-believer. Ancient lore says that garlic, when rubbed on the feet, can be detected on the breath within 20 minutes.

I dry off and lay in my bed, too weak to move. It took more than 10 hours to feel better and I had to brush my teeth once an hour, to eliminate the lavender taste which kept returning for days.

Obviously I am still very much alive...but I say don't try this at home.

How To Bathe Like The Japanese

You know you need a shower but don't feel like it. Fret no more because the ritual bath is making a comeback.

I have found that people no longer know how to bathe well myself included. What do I mean? Well going to the store to buy a body wash to dump in the tub for bubbles is not a bath. It lacks elegance and does not give the bather the true rejuvenation they need.

There are many ways to bathe well but for god sakes make some damn effort! You need to create a bathhouse-like environment.

The first thing you need to decide is what ails you. Is it sore muscles, tiredness, a sickness of some sort, anxiety, a rash, or are you just plain dirty?

So here is an example of a real bath. Just tonight I took a ritual bath... relaxation is the intention.

Because I have decided to quit my job and go forward with this website ...I'm totally tense. I also got sick this week and really needed to feel and smell good. I was sent a Japanese bathhouse kit from a company who specializes in the ritual bath. In the kit there are several steps that lead to bathhouse style bathing. First a clay wash that smells like Yuzu, then a scrub that has various seeds and rice grains in it smells like Lemongrass, next a mesh bag containing; cherry flowers, various barks, rice and seeds goes in the tub and filled with water. As per the instructions I routinely squeeze this pouch over me as I bathe like I'm being prepared for sainthood, then I pat myself dry get out of the tub, I apply lime oil to my skin, over that I apply a plum cream. Bliss I tell you.

You may be thinking this is insane but its not. You can focus your mind during this type of relaxation. You can achieve this better than any massage for a fraction of the cost.

I smell divine for 3 days.

Once Upon A Time.... In Acupuncture.

Just the other week I am lying on the table like a pin cushion.. chock-full of needles. You know the position, face down, on a massage table with the hole cut-out for the face.

On this particular day I am having a procedure called Moxibustion (forgive the spelling) done. For those of you who need to lose your acupuncture virginity this procedure works.

Its hilarious. He takes this thing that looks like a long joint and cuts off a piece of it. Then he balances it on one of the needles sticking out of me and lights it on fire.

Suddenly I am my own Circe Du Soleil special.

So I can't move because I have all these needles in me and quite honestly I'm afraid to. I visualize the fiery joint falling on me and scalding me.

My appointment is very theatrical I am thinking as I finally start to relax. So just before I nod off a freaking rat runs across the floor right underneath my face. I love animals but like to be introduced to them gently.

I screamed so loud and the doctor came running in. He tried to stamp on the mouse which is just way to much for me. I swear I'm calling my peeps at PETA. BTW did you know 2008 is year of the rat in China?

Now my back looks like I have some abusive lover who likes to put his cigarette out on me.....

The Trials and Tribs Of The Evil Organization Known As Weight Watchers.

I starved my but all week and actually did not use all my points for Weight Watchers. I get to the meeting thinking I am so dope and have lost like another 5 pounds.


Nope.

I gained.

.6 pounds.

My life is in shambles. I have come to the realization that I need to work out. I would rather have my arm chopped off than gain weight. Come to think of it that would take off a few pounds huh?

WTH?

Why Acupuncture Is For The Thick Skinned.

Picture this. I start going to a new acupuncturist in San Fran. He is this hilariously awesome Chinese man. Kinda reminds me of the orphanage owner in Norbit. Now I have Fibromyalgia and at the time it was bad, bad, bad. So I go to this guy who is supposedly one of the best in San Francisco. That's saying a lot since their Chinese population is one of the biggest in the country.

He tells me I have liver heat. In Chinese medicine liver heat is a form of toxicity. It can make you angry and your muscles can hurt. Your tongue will look like its too big for your mouth and will have bite marks down the side when you stick it out. This is how they diagnose. I just can't make this stuff up.

The first thing about this guy was he refused to use "Tea Pills". Tea pills are exactly what they sound like Chinese herbs brewed into a tea and then put into pills. Most Americans will not do what the Chinese prefer and brew the special tea. If you went to this guy this was the only option. When I would ask him to get me the pills he refused, citing absorption issues.

No pill for you!

So he sends me to the counter pharmacist. She reaches in little draws and pulls out and weighs all the herbs for me to cook. It was always exciting to see what they were going to put in my bag. My tea ends up being 1/4 weird berries, 1/4 locust shells, 1/4 seahorses, 1/4 bark. Yummy.

I can't do it. I can't drink it. My roommates are pissed at me because our apartment now smells like a barn. This is not regular tea if your thinking "what's the big deal". I had to actually cook these herbs for 45 minutes to an hour every night. The 6 cups of liquid I put in the pot was reduced to 1 1/2 cup of thick black sludge. I got tired of bringing this stinky potion to work and trying to chug it down between clients. Tired of dirt flavored burps.

I had been to many, many acupuncturists in the last 10 years. I thought I knew what to expect. Well I did not expect this. This guy would put 70 needles in one side leave me there for 1 1/2 hours then come in and ask me to flip over. In the other side he would put another 70 needles and leave me there for another 1 1/2 hours. I later figured out that he was outside smoking cigarettes. Huh? Isn't this guy a medicine man? Not only do I not have time for this but it freaking hurts!

I had to lie there dying to pee for so long, unable to move. The Chinese say any movement can bend the needles inside you. Not a pleasant picture eh? He also would constantly tell me he was going to help me to produce more milk for the baby or get pregnant. What baby? Is he on drugs? I am not trying to get pregnant and have no kids.

What if he actually got me knocked up with his damn needles? Would anyone believe that its immaculate?

I changed acupuncturists.

Things That Make You Go Ohhhhh!

In every spa there's wax, and where there's wax, there's wax cleaner. There are two types; one for the skin and one to clean the equipment. Whats used on the skin is a soothing blue oil which removes the stickiness. Keyword: Soothing. We label this "Skin Cleaner". Whats used on everything else is the industrial grade stuff that could clean grease off garage floors. This is not to be used on skin ever. We label this "Wax Cleaner".

Also state law says if we are buying wax cleaner or oil in bulk, the container we pour it into must be labeled accordingly. We estheticians never confuse the two.

I had just given this client a Brazilian. I cleaned the area and removed all the residual wax, or so I thought. I leave the room to get tweezers (because the one I was working with was dull).

I come back to my room with them. My client's in the fetal position in tears.

She tells me she decided to use the bottle labeled "Wax Cleaner" because she still felt sticky in some areas.

She's asking me why its burning.

My Old Fragrance: Il Profumo Di Aglio

I'm done. I've given up. After years of searching for the magic potion I've come come to a realization. Natural deodorant just does not work for me.

Who beholds the secret sauce that will make me magically smellicious? Am I just a stinky Italian girl who smells likes I've got onions under my pits? God forbid I dare to use anything herb scented under there I smell like rack of lamb.

Oh and don't even talk to me if I have eaten garlic. I had to swear off the stuff years ago because people could actually smell it on me. It was lovely being referred to as "garlic girl" at a previous job. This ended my love of garlic forever.

I'm smelling pretty good this days thanks to Secret...

Its my party and I'll do who I want to. After all I've cheated death..

That's right I said it.

This just in: A guy I dated for one night (you get me?) is in prison for killing someone. He got a lifer 50+ years. OMG!

Every year when I lived in San Francisco my roommates and myself used to throw a huge party in my apartment. We used to turn that place upside down, and had hundreds show up over the course of the night. That's how I met him. It was a friend of a friend kinda thing.

The first time I talked to him I thought he was incredibly stupid. He kept trying to hit on me but I was into someone else.

The second time I met him (at our second party) I was drunk. Whoopsie!!!

Danger is my middle name.

Why Weight Watchers Irritates Me.

After my last post I had to think back to my last meeting. I was trying to forget about this one because the topic of that meeting was how laughing burns calories. Who cares??? I am not fat because I don't laugh enough.

If they want us to laugh they need to start serving martini's in this joint. I promise to laugh my butt off after I've had a few. I'm also looking for an excuse to boo/heckle the instructor during these lame sessions.

OK so why am I fat? The reason I am fat is because I need to wire my jar shut. Do they still do this?

So I am stuck in a meeting, with a bunch of women who are faking laughter as the instructor tells corny jokes. Yay.

I was never good at faking it.

It was very Fried Green Tomatoes. I was waiting for them to ask us to straddle our mirrors and I know you know what I'm talking about....

Now that's funny...

Fat Girl Slim. Part 2. Thy Thindom Come.

I have to say after coming from my weight watchers meeting tonight I am pumped. Not only did I lose 3.2lbs this week (thank you very much) but I went food shopping afterwards. I decided to go to Trader Joe's because lets face it my budget is about to change. I just quit my job. So I decided to stop shopping at "Whole Paycheck" (formerly known as Whole Foods). I will be sobbing in my pillow tonight..

So I am in Trader Joe's (my new favorite supermarket) and someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn around and its this woman who was just in my meeting. She says hi to me. I look in her cart and she has these mini chocolate meringue cookies. She tells me that they are only 2 points for 13 of them. Are you freaking kidding me? Holy mother of Spumoni (my favorite Italian dessert) there is a god!

So I ask her where they are as I am standing in line ready to check out. She hands me hers and then goes and gets herself another package of them. Talk about random acts of kindness! She is my new BFF now. We're talking heart necklace status.

I get home and break open the package after dinner (veggies first). They are really freaking good! You know what they taste like? If chocolate mouse could produce a turd, this would be it. Fabulous. Now I can stop swallowing my own spit when I'm hungry.

Until next weeks weigh in....

Massimo

Yeah that's his real name the spelling I'm not sure about.

I met this guy with a friend at a restaurant in San Francisco. He was from Italy and was here in the states getting his MBA. He invites us over to this guy Massimo's house for a seven course meal. Blond haired, blue-eyed Massimo.

Despite what your thinking, I was not attracted to Massimo at all. We had a totally normal and very good meal with these two guys. Massimo could cook so I give him credit for that. We had a good laugh over the fact that he bought Kraft Parmesan cheese complete with shaker. He did not know it was of poor quality so I told him.

He asked his friend to get my number and I said sure give it to him. Why not? I was going through a dry spell anyhow. Men that are shorter and thinner than me are never my type but I was feeling adventurous and he was so polite.

So Massimo (the size 2 future businessman) proceeds to call me 2-3 times a day. Pleading with me for a date. He was always offering something attractive with his heavy Italian accent. He would ask me to "go to the beach together"..

Um hello? Is this what Europeans do on a first date. Are they all so freaking fabulously thin that this is standard? Screw that. I'm a fatty and I will have dinner on my first dates only. Io Amore cibo!!!

I finally go over to his house for dinner and I knock on his door. For 15 minutes he is not coming to the door. Now if you knew anything about San Francisco men you would think automatically your being flaked out on. But this guy is from Italy. I-T-A-L-Y. Finally he comes to the door and opens it. My jaw drops. He had sliced his hand open while cooking for me and is trying to stop the blood. He also decided to shave (and I mean Bic it) his beautiful longish hair off that week. Hair that I swear only looks good on Italian men. Crap! "That was the only good feature he had", I thought.

Now I am on a date with Gollum, a bleeding Gollum actually. All nose and no hair. Its just tragic. He just looks stressed and greasy in a way that only Italian men do. I offer to cook (mainly because I don't want his blood in my food). He declines my offer and my stomach turns. He's still bleeding.

We sit down to dinner and all goes well.

He's still bleeding.

Then he asks me if I want to sit on the couch with him.

Yep. Still bleeding.

At this point I am totally disgusted. He refuses to deal with his bleeding finger properly. I really want to leave but he's just cooked me this amazing dinner (while practically missing a finger).

I try to beat him off with a stick for a few minutes on the couch. He proceeds to suddenly stick his head in my cleavage (against my will) and play motorboat. I was very strange. I realize that I can't deal with him any longer. I literally back out of the apartment so he can't grab any other body parts. I concentrate on deflecting his additional attempts at courtship on my way out. What a weirdo.

Should I go out with him again?

We Force The Hand Of The Labs To Provide Us With Crap Products

Why oh why do we continue to buy cheap beauty products? Why do we pay $150-$250 a jar for "Creme De La Crap". Does anyone realize that this literally is just perfumed wax and costs less than a dollar a jar? Yeah, yeah PR is great isn't it. It just makes the world go round. You want to look good so you buy whats hot.

I get it.

We continue to force hand of the labs to provide us with crap products. We buy the seemingly cheap stuff at the drug store. It may seem cheap but it does nothing so you essentially waste your money. You go back out on the hunt for the product that will save your face. You wake up every morning looking like a crackle painting because these mental giants barely have any decent moisturizers on the market.

They have "The Kavorka" (Lathian Orthodox for Mojo) though don't they?

Lets think about this for as moment. Instead of buying stuff to give us instant gratification, to instantly smooth out our skin, buy the stuff that works.

Do the research, its not hard.

How? www.EWG.org check out the SKIN DEEP database. Amazing huh?

Fat Girl Slim.

I love how today scientists finally discovered that diet soda makes you fat. This made headlines. Are we really just finding this out? C'mon.

For years the big food companies have been making us fat, hiding information about what causes obesity. I believe that artificial chemicals are not the way to go. Drinking a gallon of diet soda a day is disgusting and probably will kill you instantly. So the next time someone offers you a glass of liquid love handles smack'em with your pimp hand.

But hey in my current state of fatness what do I know? I think congress should show them the hand, and make it illegal for punks to use the word diet soda.

BTW I lost 9lbs so far in Weight Watchers without the use of these so called diet elixirs.

1 me, 0 them.

Eyes Wide Open.

I am so ghetto. I just can't stop writing about the bling.

I've found the must have products for women coast-to-coast on a budget. Its the one product every girl needs to look fresh, awake and ready for Kung Fu.

You'll really wake-up when you realize its gonna cost between $589- $14 million a tube for mascara and lipstick. But hey... its a deal because their cases are covered in Swarovski Crystals or pink diamonds. Plus it makes you feel kinda cool and that's priceless...

Hornets and lipstick and diamonds...oh my!!

Pimp My Chalupa

We are always looking for new things to pimp. Who thought that vagina's would be one of them?

When I worked in San Francisco I was was exposed to many types of "Designa Vagina's". Some wanted shapes, some letters. Others wanted to bling-bling the "thing".

I remember one stripper who always wanted a heart (which I thought was kinda lame actually). Oh and by the way I got the vibe that she was actually a five dollar hooker. Come to think of it anyone paying $5 for a hooker might think heart shaped pubic hair to be a bonus.

There was also the crystal gem application which was really fun and does look cool for special occasions. Every year on Valentines Day we did hearts and on the 4th of July lots of American Flags.

I do think having all the hair ripped off your crotch to apply the flag is definitely patriotic.


Like this Story? Read The Gucci G-Spot

Ayurveda. Real Or BS? You Be The Judge.

I once worked in a spa where I had to perform Ayurvedic body treatments. Before I did the service I had to determine what Dosha someone was to know what Indian herbs/essential oils and killer tea would be used to balance the body. Literally.

You might be asking what is a Dosha?
According to Ayurveda, each of us has a unique mix of three mind/body principles which creates our specific mental and physical characteristics. These three principles are called 'Doshas'. Most of us have one or two Doshas which are most lively in our nature, with the remaining one(s) less significant.


What are the 3 Doshas?
The three doshas are known as: Vata, Pitta and Kapha.

My client had to take a test and answer questions about their personality/physical traits and also their bowel movements. Instead of filling out paperwork (like a normal spa) we were required to ask them them very intimate questions in person.

Whats the scoop on your poop? A friend of mine used to say

On this day this client was a guy.

After he took the test we did the treatment. After the treatment I gave him his special Ayurvedic tea. After the special Ayurvedic tea his throat closed up and he had to go to the hospital.

Trying to explain to his doctor what was in this stuff was priceless......

Why I Could Never Have A Foot Fetish.

I'll never suck a toe. Never!

I decided to attend a Reflexology course that would take a week to get certified in "Spa Reflexology". What a pack of lies this class was. I deeply regret the whole experience.

I thought the theory part of the class was interesting and I love the concept behind all Eastern Medicine so that was not a problem for me. What was a problem for me was the realization that I could not wear latex gloves during the technical part of the class. I had to touch and work on some strangers feet for 2 days straight giving her a total of 8 Reflexology treatments. Its not unusual to be disgusted by feet so why not let people know ahead of time the criteria for passing the class? Why let us suffer?

I was not allowed to use essential oils on the her feet (I asked). It was supposed to be against protocol. I just think the instructor was conspiring to torture me. Maybe she was jealous of my being such a good stinky foot massager.

As an esthetician essential oils had always been my crutch, my saving grace, from the worlds dirtiness. For example if someone had bad breath or body odor I could just put some tangerine oil in my steamer and be transported to citrus groves.

Its not just about the fact that I had to touch her feet, its that they made us smell the feet. In Reflexology they say that feet that smell like cheese indicate that the person is toxic and feet that smell like Ammonia indicate and acidic system. Supposedly this diagnosis would determine the treatment schematic.

Yada, yada.

Either way, not fun.

As I work on her feet they begin to sweat (each and every time) and stink, and you know I could not say anything.

For this reason I hated that class, and to this day, I really hate feet.

Canceling An Appointment With Your Waxer Might Be Deadly

If you know anything about me you'll know I started my first business out of my home in San Francisco.

I get this new client who is a total pain and she wants me to recommend skincare to her while waxing her. The funny thing is she wanted to talk about the fluff that she can buy in the drugstore. So I am trying to explain to her that because I am an esthetician I never go to the drugstore and could not tell her about the skincare there. I would never buy that stuff. Lets face it, if that stuff actually worked, I would not have a job.

After we finish her full body wax for only $100 (hey she was a size zero) she proceeds to eat up my time by repeating her request for drugstore skincare recommendations. Annoying!!!

In the following months she booked three more appointments but never showed up for them. She was so inconsiderate. I started to feel like a loser. Who did she think she was messing with?

She would beg me to see her at 7am before she had to go to work. Like an idiot I had allowed her to push me to make the appointment again and again. She would always cancel last minute after I had set-up for her and heated the wax for over an hour. This is one of the reasons why spas ask for your credit card number before taking appointments. I was really getting fed up with this and did not have a credit card terminal.

She was just pushy and I was sick of it. My time is worth money and she was wasting it.

Its times like this that I just wanna "throw down" as they say. I start to fantasize about buying brass knuckles (pink ones of course cuz I'm a lady) and beating her. I imagine a scene like "spa people" meet "Fight Club".

Pink boxing gloves maybe?

Hey lets elaborate on this... Imagine me killing her, I mean actually killing her over missed appointments. I could see it now on the news. They come to my house, arrest me, find her DNA in my wax pot and haul my sorry arse off to jail. Ok,ok I'm just kidding I am seriously over it.

So lets get back to what happened. The fourth time she booked an appointment I slept in. I figured she would not show. She showed! She knocked on my door for over 20 mins while I lay in bed watching TV. Over the next few months she called me several times apologizing and asking me if she had offended me in some way. I never called her back.

Payback.

Death Of A Stiletto Junkie

If you ever want a really good pedicure, go to a very upscale spa in your area. They are much cleaner than the usual cheesy nail place around the corner.

You know the place. A land where quick dry only costs a dollar and somehow you leave paying $70 dollars when you only intended to spend 10.

You gotta watch out for these people. Most speak no English and barely sanitize the cuticle cutters. Once my mother told me she saw someone folding the dirty wet towels used to wipe feet of and putting them back in the "hot towel cabbie". Lovely.

I too used to go to these places until I got the warts (on my feet). If you have ever gotten warts on your feet you know how painful they can be. I got 18 on one foot and 5 on the other. It was an infestation that took more than 6 months to resolve.

Now at the time I was in sales in NYC and had to look the part. Everyday I was wearing stiletto's and a suit to work. I just could not get through the day without my Isabella Fiore's. So in attempt to retain my hotness I chose to limp rather than wear sneakers. That was until I threw my knee out. I ended up on the couch for a week which sucked.

Unfortunately I have not been able to get back into my pumps, my knee just won't have it.

To The Spa Conspirators: Don't Bite The Hand That Feeds You

I will never forget my first real job as an esthetician. I had worked at a bunch of "eh" places before finally landing a job in my first "big spa". This spa was the "creme de la creme" in Stamford, CT. It was 3 floors and probably 30,000 square feet. They had over 200 service providers including facialists, hair stylists and nail techs.

Now what makes me laugh is the fact that when they hired me they told me that I did not have enough experience. Duh! They said they were hiring me because they liked me so much. But of course!

Anyway I worked for $12 an hour plus tips (this was 10 years ago) because that's what they paid until the 3rd month. If you made it to the 3rd month past their "so called training program" you got 40% commission off everything and of course, tips.

Now one of the things us estheticians have a problem with (when we are new) is running on time. It very difficult to he meet the demands of the client in the allotted time slot allocated by the spa. Frequently the client is told they are getting a one hour facial. But little do they know this includes the time the esthetician has to clean the the room, and set up for the next client.

Now I probably ran late to a few clients and I can remember one in particular being really pissed about it. I also think I was set-up. There are a select amount of people that come to the spa just to report back how the service was. Sometimes they are other estheticians that work at other spas or former employee's. At the time I did not know about these "secret spa informants".
Why was I set-up? Because estheticians are vile. Trust me I am one. If we are not fully booked with a waiting list to get in to see us don't hire others. That's just our bottom line. Somebody must have been whining about the new hire...me (who by the way was the top sales person for 2 months in a row).

Superstar!

So I get called into the office telling me that they are hearing that I am inexperienced. They tell that there have been client complaints. I know this hasn't happened.

They then tell me that if I want to stay I have to pay another esthetician to train me. I am to pay her $50 an hour for this training. I do. After that they have me give another facial to their manager who tells me that the creme I put on her feet is burning. Is this my fault? They provide this stuff!

Oh and by the way, having to touch her feet during a facial is asinine. This spa owner wanted us to give our clients a hand and foot massage during this ritual. This is the stupidest thing I have every heard. Remember the time I actually have to do this.

So to make a long story come to an end I am dismissed. I am an told to go out and get some post grad education and then come back to the spa when I am more experienced. No thanks. I hate feet.

The guy that fires me is a construction worker who inherited this 10 million dollar spa from his poor deceased wife. After they tell me I'm fired this Tony Soprano wannabe says, and I quote, "you just didn't make the cut kid".

Last month I heard they had 27 hair stylists walk out within a week. They took all their clients with them and went to work in a place 1 block away. That's just priceless.

The moral of the story? If you swim with sharks you'll likely get bit.

Have We Run Out Of Innovative Skincare?

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
-Andy McIntyre and Derek Bok

Sometimes its easy to spot false advertising claims. Sometimes not so much. Remember the only innovation lies in the advertising not the skincare.

Instant face lift cream! Erase those lines in minutes! C'mon!

The newest more clever claim is the "All Natural" approach. Some companies throw the natural word around knowing natural sells. They even design their packaging with earthy colors to trick your mind. These companies rely solely on marketing statistics. They know most people don't buy something based on ingredients. Most people don't understand what they do. I am here to teach you that reading ingredients is the only way to know the truth. Have you met my friend Google? Do the research yourself.

They Have PRopaganda: Expensive products have better ingredients.

I Have Truthful Tourette’s: The price of the product depends on the company making it. You can pay top dollar for the same chemicals that comprise a cheap product. Fancy marketing, good PR and huge AD budgets are what you pay for. Most popular skincare lines spend over 90% of their budget on this. The rest is spent on the actual development of the product.

Sometimes its only 3%.

After talking to a chemist I discovered some things. Chemists say that their clients come in looking for the same thing all the time. The concerns are how a product looks, how it feels after application, its fragrance and that its as cheap as possible. After all we force the hand of the labs to provide up with crap products by buying this garbage at the drugstore. In response to this, labs use inexpensive fillers and preservatives that are made in bulk. This stuff is cheap and chock full of harmful toxic chemicals.

These same chemicals are sometimes used to clean grease off garage floors. Some are also found in household cleaners.

Shocked?

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. -Gloria Steinem

I'm Simply Too Cool For School

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-Mark Twain

The beginning started out going to school to get my license 9 years ago. This means completing a 600 hour course and taking a state exam and passing it. In truth the schools that estheticians must attend are tragic (read my "Sperm Is Firm" post). Most of them don't even have the proper supplies. They are teaching out dated procedures with poor quality products just so the aspiring technician has something to work with. We are just going through the motions at first. No wonder nobody has any respect for us!

I remember taking my state board test in California and I had to perform a facial using tissues to remove everything! When I was asked to demonstrate waxing for the proctor they handed me honey and a Popsicle stick! Apparently they wanted me to pretend to wax. They actually graded me on this.

I quickly realized that I had learned nothing in school and decided to work with/for companies that would provide me with the real education.

After all its always survival of the fittest..

Time To Quit The Job

The time has come to quit my once beloved job. Freedom!

This is my New Years resolution: To Follow My Dreams.

There are many things I want to do with my life and I need to be a free spirit in order to do them. Obviously this means I had to quit soon because if I could never create my own business or travel when on want and for as long as I want.

There are those workaholics who just won't understand. These are the people who have not reached their life goals.

I wonder why.

Hey your only young once....right?

Rim Job

Well you learn something new everyday.
One of my clients has come in asking me for Anal Bleaching.

Alrighty then. I decided not to ask why.

I did not know this existed. After much Googling I have to say there really is no procedure or protocol to do this. I sold her a bottle of my most powerful skin lightener and told her to go it alone.

Maybe she just needs a good shrink.

Rhino Dis-Morpha

Women are truly hooked on perfection. I had a client today ask to be referred to our plastic surgeon. I looked at this blond haired blue eyed beauty and said, "for what?"Apparently she would like a complete nose job because of some tiny bump on her nose that I can't even see. I think its because her boyfriend just dumped her.

The plastic surgeon agreed with my opinion and told her no.

99 Vials Of Filler On The Wall

I once attended a trade show hosted by the Society Of Plastic Surgery Specialists. At this show I decided to sit in on a class with one of my physician clients. I witnessed a very well known NYC doctor (a Dermatologist actually) injecting a patient while drinking way to much vino. She was teaching the whole time she drank and the attending physicians just stared at her. Nobody said a thing.

Welcome to New York....

Indecent Proposal?

Whores what are they good for? Absolutely nothing.

The song plays in my head I can't help it.

This just in:
A rep I know of just got the boot from a laser company for sleeping with her prospects. That's just priceless.. no wonder that ho was making so much money.

Career change anyone?

Who's Afraid Of The Big Bad Laser Reps?

Once again I look like a cheapo because my company does not have the same perks as the laser/pharma reps. You would think that most physicians are smart and understand why we don't have the same perks. Don't kid yourself. They are just a dumb as the rest of us. Allow me to play out the scenario for you.

Dr. Pinhead: Can you give us some free samples and pay for our catering for our open house tonight.

Me (what I actually say) : I am so sorry but you placed a really small order with us instead of the 30k order we had discussed.

(What I want to say) Um no we already discussed the dollar amount you should spend for these little extras. Did you not go to school for 10 years smart one?

Dr. Pinhead: Your company sucks, your company is cheap. Our laser company is paying for our food and is hemorrhaging free samples for our guests.

Me (what I actually say): I am so sorry you feel that way. However if you spent 200k+ (the price of the laser) with our company I promise you we would do all that and then fly out the owners of our company to present at your event. I did suggest a much larger order to start for you because you were interested in a higher level of support.

In regards to samples our company does not provide that for free. We spend our money on our formulations and this is a very expensive product to give away. We spend 7 to 10 times more on our ingredients than pharmaceutical companies do. So what your other companies are giving away is not costing them much at all. If you want free stuff that's them but.. if you want the best product on this planet, that's us. Also our company is a 15 million dollar company so obviously we can't provide the same perks as an 80 million/billion dollar company would.

(What I want to say) I am so sorry that you overspent your money in other areas of your business and really have not invested in our company. If you had spent some money on me then certainly I would have spent some on you, dummy. Instead I will give you a handful of samples and some brochures and you will just have to realize your mistake won't you?

Pump Up The Plump

I should have been a plastic surgeon. I could never imagine going to school for that long though. The reason I say this is I am questioned all day about what fillers and lasers I recommend. This is so funny because I am a rep for a skincare line. Maybe I am selling the wrong stuff.

I don't know a person (woman) on this planet that would not change of something if they could afford it. My estheticians are all doped up on laser and Botox some of them are only in their 20's.

I have yet to do Botox because:

A. I am cheap when it comes to cosmetic type things.

B. As an esthetician I rarely pay for my beauty and don't plan on it ever.

C. Fillers need to be maintained and I am very lazy when it come to beauty.

D. The only man allowed to stick needles in my face is my acupuncturist.

I guess I just really plan to age gracefully.....

3 Fat Ladies And Not Enough Seaweed.

There comes a point in every estheticians life where the inevitable happens and we see naked people. This pretty much a given when we start doing body treatments or hydrotherapy.

Picture this. I once had three very heavy (350 plus pounds) women come into the spa for seaweed treatments. They wanted to detox. So me and 2 other estheticians attempted to give these seaweed treatments to these womem. If you can imagine no towel or robe in the place would cover them and they did not fit on any of the treatment tables. I will never forget how my hands felt applying the seaweed all over them and in their rolls.

We actually ran out of seaweed....poor girls.

The Free Lunch Junkies And The Medical Anomaly.

There is a trend within the pharmaceutical industry to buy physicians lunch on a regular basis. Actually not just the physician but the entire office! I knew someday I was going to run into a problem with this but who knew when. I had gotten good at telling those who asked that we did not provide lunch.

I hired an assistant to bring some information packets into the city to distribute them among viable prospects. What I didn't know was he had agreed to send me in on a "luncheon". Apparently he did not understand the terminology. So I confirm the appointment that he has set up for me and take off to meet with this physician on Park Ave.

As soon as I get there the female physician who looks like Coffee Cake from The Bronx Tale tells me where to put the lunch. Its this moment that I realize whats happening. They expect me to court them in this fashion.

Not happening. I don't do lunch.

So in a split second I have to make a decision. I take a quick look around and see all the products they have are tragic. They literally have little sample bowls filled with stuff like Neutrogena and Cetaphil. Do not use this stuff!

I come to the realization that they would never buy my product. In my brain I've already checked out, disconnected myself from the situation. I look the physician dead in the eye (OK I am lying. I am counting the craters on her face) and realize that she really has very bad skin for a Dermatologist (I seriously thought she was the receptionist because of this when I initially walked in). I tell her that we as a company do not provide lunch as we are not a pharmaceutical company.

She tells me that she does not let anyone present without it. I leave and never look back.

Somebody needs to ween them off the stuff...

I Want You! To Join Our Industry.

One of the most interesting things I have noticed about this business is the type of clientele we deal with. I have had the good fortune of working within the schematic of many different types of business ideals. To name some of the categories; spa's, med spa's, anti-aging spa's, plastic surgery center's and of course physician's offices.

Lately the most common practices I observe seem to have a "open a spa and they will come" mentality. This is really not good for any of us. There are too many people opening too many spas and med spa's without the slightest idea. Too many clients are getting bad services which are frequently over over promised and under delivered. This undermines the hard work the rest of us have done over the years to establish our own credibility within the industry.

The newest boom is laser. Those of us that have been in the business for a while understand that most laser companies just want to sell their product. They too will over promise just to sell that 200k machine. The problem starts with the fact that the decision to purchase the machine and perform laser treatments is being made by a lay person. People who have never been in this business before are determining our cosmetic fate. If we let the laser companies try to sell a bunch of Estheticians or Dermatologists we have a different outcome almost every time. Most machines are purchased out of impulse. It makes people feel cool that they can own a laser machine. This is why the money gets spent and a second mortgage gets taken out on the house. So what's the key factor is in deciding which machine to go with. Its actually simple. The newest technology is always the best.

You may want to ask. Why would a person with no license be able to purchase such a machine? The truth is credentials within the industry have yet to be standardized. Everything has gone amok. Lay people want to be business owners (within this very profitable industry) and understandably so. However there is something to be said for the lack of credible people who are working on the largest organ we have. Many of them with just a day or two's training are heating and damaging the Dermis and getting paid to do it. They could not name the layers of the skin if they tried and have little, if any, Anatomy and Physiology knowledge.

Many of these new owners (who have no actual experience) within the industry do not intend to get any. Now this is OK if they are to be a financial backer to a more knowledgeable person. But what comes of a spa when there is no business plan and the owner becomes a laser technician overnight? What credentials should one have when doing a skin consultation or applying a chemical peel?

The skincare lines that supply the spa spa industry aren't helping either. If you don't speak English... no problem! Some companies will just send you a very informative instruction manual in the language of your choice.

Need to become a licensed esthetician? No problem! Many of the schools in many states will allow you to take classes in other languages as well. When your done with that your allowed to bring a translator into the state board exam with you. Of course that's if that state has a license at all.

If you disagree with the fact that this is a monumental problem let me tell you why your wrong.

1. Estheticians need to understand English because in this country most of our clients speak English. Sounds simple right?

2. We need to understand if our clients have any disease or disorder. If not we can either contract something and pass it on to others, or kill our client accidentally. (Every spa should present you with a healthy history form and you should fill it out correctly. Every question is on there for a reason.) Sometimes if the technician does not speak English they will overlook a possible contraindication to the treatment. One of the most common being Herpes, Canker Sores, Fever Blisters or Sun Blisters. A chemical peel is not an option when a client is prone to these outbreaks. Any esthetician with good communication skills would better serve to perform this procedure. Its likely they would refer the client to a physician for a medication they need beforehand.

3. We need to learn and understand disinfection and sterilization procedures. This is hard to do if you can't read the label on the Quats container (a hospital grade disinfectant).

4. We need to read procedure and protocol documents when administering chemical peels. Most chemical peel companies do not provide this information in other languages. Knowing English is a must.

In conclusion I can only draw from this is that, as usual, it's all about the money.

But what will become of us when the spa "Bubble" bursts?

Body Treatments Are Not Free.

I used to give this guy a full body wax. He was a guy from San Francisco and probably in his mid 40's. I can usually do a full body wax including bikini area in a reasonable amount of time but this guy was difficult.

I've learned that there are people who have realized that there are ways to score spa freebies if they play their cards right. For example when I waxed his back and the back of his legs he would always ask me to do a partial butt wax. Now here is where I draw the line with men. Anything hanging out of the undies is fine. But there will be no butt waxing. I don't care if your a swimmer THAT falls into the Boy-Zillian category.

This guy also told me that he broke out from waxing and was wondering if I had anything for that. I said yes and recommend the proper products. He never bought the products but asked me to apply something after waxing to help with the breakouts. Somehow I let him pressure me into apply a anti-inflammatory clay to his entire body. Between cleaning the residual wax off and applying the clay we are talking about an extra 45 minutes of time. In my world that is just not acceptable. Time is money is this business. Every time this guy came in it was the same story and every time he would plead with me for this little extra waxing and his mud treatment.

Finally I put a note in his file asking the receptionist to bill him an extra $150 the next time he booked with her on the phone. Hey its the going rate and a girls gotta eat! She was to inform him of this before making the appointment. The next time he called, after hearing this, he decided not to book the appointment.

Good Riddance..

Lions And Tigers And Hornets...Oh My!

If one more person asks me what this Hornet in the logo is about I swear I am going to throw down! Why do they care anyway? I think its time to stop asking for opinions on this project and just do it.

The questions and commentary:

"Why the Hornet?"

It looks cool and I want to enhance my coolness.

"Why a blue Hornet?"

Its fierce, and beautiful, and I like it.

"Why don't you create more of a spa logo?"

Because I want the site to look edgy yet boutique-ish

"Women won't shop on any website that has a Hornet"

Oh that's some BS! There must be 101 websites on the net that look exactly alike. They all have pink roses on them. How boring! Besides I plan on having a male clientele so if I go forward with this website I want it to be unisex.

Of course these people are not involved in the industry at all....