Once Upon A Time.... In Acupuncture.

Just the other week I am lying on the table like a pin cushion.. chock-full of needles. You know the position, face down, on a massage table with the hole cut-out for the face.

On this particular day I am having a procedure called Moxibustion (forgive the spelling) done. For those of you who need to lose your acupuncture virginity this procedure works.

Its hilarious. He takes this thing that looks like a long joint and cuts off a piece of it. Then he balances it on one of the needles sticking out of me and lights it on fire.

Suddenly I am my own Circe Du Soleil special.

So I can't move because I have all these needles in me and quite honestly I'm afraid to. I visualize the fiery joint falling on me and scalding me.

My appointment is very theatrical I am thinking as I finally start to relax. So just before I nod off a freaking rat runs across the floor right underneath my face. I love animals but like to be introduced to them gently.

I screamed so loud and the doctor came running in. He tried to stamp on the mouse which is just way to much for me. I swear I'm calling my peeps at PETA. BTW did you know 2008 is year of the rat in China?

Now my back looks like I have some abusive lover who likes to put his cigarette out on me.....

Why Acupuncture Is For The Thick Skinned.

Picture this. I start going to a new acupuncturist in San Fran. He is this hilariously awesome Chinese man. Kinda reminds me of the orphanage owner in Norbit. Now I have Fibromyalgia and at the time it was bad, bad, bad. So I go to this guy who is supposedly one of the best in San Francisco. That's saying a lot since their Chinese population is one of the biggest in the country.

He tells me I have liver heat. In Chinese medicine liver heat is a form of toxicity. It can make you angry and your muscles can hurt. Your tongue will look like its too big for your mouth and will have bite marks down the side when you stick it out. This is how they diagnose. I just can't make this stuff up.

The first thing about this guy was he refused to use "Tea Pills". Tea pills are exactly what they sound like Chinese herbs brewed into a tea and then put into pills. Most Americans will not do what the Chinese prefer and brew the special tea. If you went to this guy this was the only option. When I would ask him to get me the pills he refused, citing absorption issues.

No pill for you!

So he sends me to the counter pharmacist. She reaches in little draws and pulls out and weighs all the herbs for me to cook. It was always exciting to see what they were going to put in my bag. My tea ends up being 1/4 weird berries, 1/4 locust shells, 1/4 seahorses, 1/4 bark. Yummy.

I can't do it. I can't drink it. My roommates are pissed at me because our apartment now smells like a barn. This is not regular tea if your thinking "what's the big deal". I had to actually cook these herbs for 45 minutes to an hour every night. The 6 cups of liquid I put in the pot was reduced to 1 1/2 cup of thick black sludge. I got tired of bringing this stinky potion to work and trying to chug it down between clients. Tired of dirt flavored burps.

I had been to many, many acupuncturists in the last 10 years. I thought I knew what to expect. Well I did not expect this. This guy would put 70 needles in one side leave me there for 1 1/2 hours then come in and ask me to flip over. In the other side he would put another 70 needles and leave me there for another 1 1/2 hours. I later figured out that he was outside smoking cigarettes. Huh? Isn't this guy a medicine man? Not only do I not have time for this but it freaking hurts!

I had to lie there dying to pee for so long, unable to move. The Chinese say any movement can bend the needles inside you. Not a pleasant picture eh? He also would constantly tell me he was going to help me to produce more milk for the baby or get pregnant. What baby? Is he on drugs? I am not trying to get pregnant and have no kids.

What if he actually got me knocked up with his damn needles? Would anyone believe that its immaculate?

I changed acupuncturists.