The Best Of The Bay List Is Back!

Its that time of the year again where we try to achieve "Rockstar Status" by competing in the best of....something. Thousands of you have been to see us in short period of time. We hope that's enough to help us win one of the greatest honors in San Francisco!

Please vote for us and make this year our best ever!

Vote here!

The 30th Annual Exotic Erotic Ball is back in SF!!!

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"Smile, It's the second best thing you can do with your lips." -Unknown Author

Lips are one of the first places to see the first signs of aging. With their "no bad stuff" policy Sircuit Skin Cosmeceuticals has created one of the first lip balms with the audacity to smell ah-mazing, while protecting your chopper from the harsh elements of all oral pleasures.

Eating, drinking and brushing your teeth can erode away the natural protective oils that exist in your skin, hence thinning the lips. These problems may not be noticeable at first but eventually its always "Where did my lips go?"

If your really far gone and considering some (doctor assisted) plumping, first consider protecting the lips, with a balm or even plumping the surface. Sircuit Skin's Suggah is just that for those lips who have seen their day and desire a bit more wow factor. Over time you can take years off the face by starting with just a little pout enhancement.

For the month of November when you make an appointment at studio and mention this blog you can try one of the Sircuit Saki or Mangilla lip balms on us!

A 20,000 Dollar Facelift For FREE? This Really Works!

Leave it up to Jack Lalanne to make us all young again. It amazes me that this man has better muscle structure, (in his face) at 90 something, than most ladies in their 40's.

Don't laugh too hard at the retro videos this stuff is awesome and now I am pooped!!

Amish Or Just A Bad Haircut? Thanks Mom!

The good old days:

I had a series of bad haircuts (via mom) when I was 10 so that was an awkward year. I also really needed a bra but was in denial, so I walked with a hunchback (to hide my bumps) and wore two shirts. But by the time I was 11 I had it goin' on...

Getting a haircut by a family member: Free

Being old enough to choose your own stylist: Priceless

We Love To Talk.....No Really We Do!

ModVellum now has the personal shopping/consultation line open for a few hours daily. Give us a call between the hours of 2-6 NYC time. You must be in front of the computer in the shopping cart.

Ask us your questions about the products and we can guide you through the best of the best.

The advice is free but the call is not.

We're not done talking yet, so really, pick up that phone....


The ModVellum Consult Line
415-310-7354

Become A ModVellum V.I.P And We Promise To Roll Out The Red Carpet...Under You, Not Over You.

You must subscribe and here's why;

#1 ModVellum has the coolest deals on the net but only when you subscribe. We have private sales only for our clients and subscribers. Because we and our partners have class we have opted not to have coupons all over the internet promising a mere 10 percent off. How tragic!

#2 ModVellum is all about the shopping experience. We want to keep you in "the know" when new products from our vendors arrive.

#3 We give our subscribers and clients free gifts often.

#4 If we overstock (its been known to happen) well let you know about it so you can help us do some "spring cleaning".

#5 Win stuff. Seriously, just for subscribing you can win trips and free products.

All of this can be obtained by registering to Become A ModVellum V.I.P

Just tell us who you are and we promise not to forget about you.

Sweet Torture Otherwise Known As.... Sugaring

I once had a friend from the Middle East. My first experience with waxing was watching her mother wax herself with a gum-like honey thing in her kitchen. She would lick this solid amber looking brick and then heat it and stretch it gradually over the burner on her stove. When the wax was the right consistency she put it on her thigh and ripped the hair out.

I asked her how I could get one of those little bricks of wax and she gave me one. I felt so cool because I knew she had probably brought it back in her suitcase from Syria. It was like some kind of foreign treasure to me. I was so excited at what I thought was this NEW depilation innovation. I went home and had no clue what to do and was afraid of burning my hand. I threw it in the garbage and that was that.

So fast forward 20 years:

I've been researching home wax or sugaring recipes for hair removal and have found some interesting stuff. Sugaring was invented by the Egyptians and they have a very specific recipe called Halawa (this means SWEET in Egypt) that has been cooked up and used since biblical times.

What would Jesus have waxed?

The ancient "queens of the Nile" such as Nefertiti and Cleopatra used such preparations pre-wedding. Egyptian culture today still says women must wax off all of their body hair and stay waxed if they are wed. We waxers know these things.

I decided to provide a recipe for the Halawa with instructions. Keep in mind that the wax is hot and to make sure it is the right temperature and consistency before making contact with your skin.

This is a very old, very famous Egyptian recipe for wax that is completely natural and extremely effective. It is basically caramel, right before it reaches the crystallizing stage (so it also tastes great). It is relatively simple to make, but take care to observe the caramelizing of the sugar, because the window for the wax to be just right before burning is very small. Do not be frustrated if you burn a batch; even experienced makers do this all the time. The best thing to do is to watch is continuously once the color changes to golden brown. You can eat it or you can use it as Hair Removal.

The recipe:

Ingredients for Halawa Sweet, AKA Sweet, Egyptian Sugar Wax, or Hair Removal

1. Two cups of water
2. Three cups of sugar or three cups of honey
3. Two teaspoons of lemon juice

Procedure

1. Place all ingredients in saucepan. Bring to boil.
2. When its color changes to golden brown, lower the heat and continue to simmer.
3. Keep a careful watch on the color. Once it starts to change to brown, turn off the heat.
4. Allow to cool a little, then pour small quantities onto heavy duty plastic, of the cereal bag type. Plastic that is not heavy duty will melt. It is not a good idea to use a plate, as you will need to peel it off something pliable after it cools.
5. When it becomes cool enough to handle, pull a piece off the plastic and pull and stretch it. This will immediately cause it to change color, from a clear golden brown to an opaque gold. It should be easy to stretch and pull. If it is too hard, you have left it on the heat for too long and must make a new batch. If it is too liquid, it has not been heated enough and must be heated once more, or a new batch made.

It is now ready for use! Don't forget to spread the wax against the direction of hair growth and rip it in the direction the hair grows.

The trick is in knowing when to turn the heat off, and may take a few batches until mastered. One test is to take a drop on a spoon and hold it between your thumb and finger (cool it under water first!). It should stretch between them. If its too liquid to stretch, continue to heat, and if it stretches but is brittle, discard and repeat, reducing the time you leave it on the heat.

An easier, although more expensive, alternative is to use just three cups of honey and a few drops of lemon. Simmer for a few minutes until the color changes then continue from step 4.

So do we eat it or rip out our pubic hair with it? I know I know... the decisions difficult, but we can agree that the bikini wax has less calories.

Please leave your results in the comments section. I would love to hear how this worked out for you. Also I have included a great you tube video that shows it being used so you can understand the technique.

Enjoy!

Death Becomes Her......Well Almost..

3 times a week I go to Whole Foods to spend my "whole paycheck" buying my "Grass Fed" dinner. Every time I am in the meat market I pick up a chicken, or something else that's harmless while alive but possibly contaminated with Salmonella upon death. If not that then surely some other deadly virus not yet discovered, but will be.. then named in my honor.

The outside of the package is mysteriously wet and disease infested, I know it is. So I stare death right in the pupils and smack it with my pimp hand. In other words... It. Is. On....

Lucky for me I just happen to own ModVellum and sell Herban Essentials Towelettes. I always put the wrapped carcass in a plastic produce baggie and wipe my hands with a lemon towelette pronto. I started this after I went to Whole Food's and discovered that the handle of my shopping cart was actually comprised of various persons old chewing gum. It must be that "next generation" recycling.

What will they think of next?

*BTW when you buy a pack of Herban Essentials in any single scent for the month of August we will give you samples of the other two scents.

What is it? Our Herban Essentials blurb from the site;

We think they are the shiznit. They go guns blazing on germs. The wipes can be used to eradicate that not-so-fresh feeling on hands, feet, and faces. They're a must for us urban people with OCD, hence the name Herban Essentials.

Don’t confuse them with baby wipes or booty wipes but a whole new level of hygiene entirely. What we love is the fact that these are made entirely of essential wild-grown oils from American farmers whenever possible. Herban Essentials uses the highest quality 100% pure essential oils, therapeutic grade, steam distilled, or cold pressed essential oils. It shows. Their products are never tested on animals, only herban disorders.

Its a dirty world out there so...giddy up.

Shop Herban Essentials

Don't Worry About Chopping Your Arm Off......We'll Just Grow It BackI

Man I am pissed. The Armed Forces Institute For Regenerative Medicine has stolen my idea.

I wish.

Their latest gizmo? A revolutionary "skin gun" that literally sprays stem cells into wounds on the battlefield. The purpose is to heal and regenerate the skin... drum roll ......in a matter of hours.

A mere $250 million dollars has been invested in projects like this, projects that could eventually end up as the latest great skin care gadget.

Finally the Starfish studies have paid off.

How To Get The Cheapest, Yet Worst Massage....Hey Its Still A Massage!!!!

One of the last times I was in San Francisco I went to get a massage. I have no idea why I even attempt to get massages in San Francisco, because I've never had a good one. The reasons vary.

My friend tells me that he found a great place for us to get massage. I think this is awesome because its right down the street from our hotel. So we can walk home.

He tells me its like only 30 bucks for an hour massage and they are open until 11pm. Instantly I am suspicious, nothing in San Francisco is open that late. I tell him its probably a whorehouse. He convinces me its not because they have an acupuncturist on staff.

I am wondering why I don't know about this place since I lived in San Fran for 4 years and have been in this industry for almost 10.

We get there and all the.. um, service providers look surprised to see me. They are dressed in 42nd street clothes. They speak no English and give me the worst rubdown ever, I could not relax. I was seriously waiting for the girl to offer me a happy ending or something but that would have really would have freaked my out.

Never before have I had a massage by a woman in "Ho Shoes"...

I won't be going back.

Zero Percent Crap

I don't really understand the mathematics of it, but I will say, I'm wildly impressed by 100 Percent Pure.

Talk about innovative, the owner (Susie Wang) has created this skincare almost entirely from fruits and veggies. She has a patent on the development on the pigments which are also plant derived (she won't be having any competition any time soon).

Now you might be wondering what all the hoopla is about, but in THIS industry, these standards just doesn't exist. Just have a look at the ingredients on the site.

If your a purist think about this;

A lip gloss thats 83% vitamin E oil and contains pigment ONLY from fruits and veggies?

Body washes that smells like fresh lime/lemon/nectarine and with no thickeners?

Fragrant body creams with no artificial fragrance? Pardon moi??

*BTW there are almost 18 different fruits/scents to choose from and the the whole line-up is cruelty-free, biodegradable, organic, vegan and vegetarian. Who can top that?

We strongly disagree, if you think you have met their match..let us know in the comments section.

Until then SHOP 100 PERCENT PURE

Part 2: Canceling An Appointment With Your Waxer Might Be Deadly.

OK Let me start by saying that if you don't know what I am talking about you must read Part 1 the original story for clarification.

This post is the continuation of my epic battle with the worlds most (cough) annoying client.

6 MONTHS AFTER PART 1

I thought I would never see her again but there she is here is the waiting room. I look at my chart of clients for the day and I recognize the name but don't know why. Suddenly our eyes meet.

Her eyes search mine and she wonders how she knows me. After a moment her pupils flicker with recognition. Its an instant staring match and I wonder how she found me. Then I realize that the fake spa name I have is the culprit. She has no idea my spa name is Savana. She's come to the spa hoping to get a facial.

She only knows me as Rachel.

I release her eyes from mine and go into the back. I plead with my boss to have someone else take her. Nobody is available. I don't want to give this woman a facial because I know she won't tip me and also probably won't want to pay $125 for it.

So the client reluctantly comes back into my room and starts to complain about why she can't have the facial. She tells me she did not know how much it was and they booked it wrong. I realize she is trying to negotiate with me. We charge half price for cancellations when clients cancel within 24 hours or the appointment.

I tell her she is welcome to leave and I will allow them to cancel the appointment. Her jaw drops. She really thought she had me.

Well that was easy.

Nail Salon Comedy

A tribute to all my girls who hate going to the nail salon. I find this YouTube video funny because she does that San Francisco Thai accent I have come to know so well. I find myself reminiscing about the good old times..

Future Skin Concepts

You just gotta love products like this.

Just when I think everything has been done, already invented I deeply gaze into the eyes of the latest “it” product. At first I’ll admit I could not understand the uniquity (is that a word?...I like it) of this product. The name just doesn’t depict what it does. However its explanation was enough to keeping searching for more.

Now many of you must know I am the goddess of multi-tasking. My love affair with the beauty/spa industry has always been one of push-pull. I love it all but just don’t want to spend the time doing it. So how could I resist the Hawaiian company Malie telling me I could apply my moisturizer while in the shower?

I really must pinch myself.

So What's The 411?

Apparently they have created a body moisture bar called Mango Buttercup to use on hot skin only in the shower. You use this when your skin is warm or run it under hot water to melt is just a bit.

Get your skin hot and then shut the water off because like a stick of butter it melts. You can massage it into your skin while in the shower then just step out and air-dry.

Its great for this summers travel because it won't spill, and isn't liquid.. so its airline safe. The Hawaiians also say it’s the ultimate remedy for sunburns as well.

I think they would know a thing or two about that...

Prego, Post-Prego, Or Just Look Prego? This Blogs For You

“For the nine month stretch and beyond”. Gotta love that tag line. Mama Mio is truly a product line that caters to “SuperMamas” everywhere. Who says you can’t look hot before, after, and (what the hell) even during childbirth.

These three hot tamales who co-created this product line are Mamas from London. Having given birth quite a few times, I am perfectly happy to consider them the authority on stretch marks.

They have 3 really cool (quite miraculous actually) products that focus on lifting, shaping and hydrating all your wobbly bits.

Keep your buoys buoyant.

Why Lucy B Deserves An Emmy For Everything Frangiapani

This stuff is making me me wishful of an Aussie holiday and fast.

After launching the site (seriously not fun) I am in need of many things. To put me back together again I need a diet, some laser and a nice holiday for my efforts. Every time I smell the Frangipani Eau De Parfum and the Frangipani Bronzing Shimmer Oil I get that mini vacation I desperately seek. More relaxing than smoking a joint (not that I am a fan), or getting a massage this stuff will unwind the muscles in your neck. I think we may be on the cusp of world peace here.

I am nominating this as the must have summer fragrance. I must warn you though because I believe it will go out of stock I have become very protective of my bottle. In fact if I die I will not leave this fragrance to anyone. I can and will take it with me.

Effective immediately I am putting in my will that I should like to be sprayed with the stuff pre-funeral.

Somebody’s going to have to pry my perfume bottle from my cold, dead, Frangipani scented corpse.

The Most Powerful Force In Skincare Is Here...

I wanted to let you all know that the site has finally been launched so check it out!

Go Shopping.

At The Impound Lot

There comes a time in every reps term where we get towed. Like it or not its destiny. You and the impound lot were meant to be together.

Its another one of my favorite hundred degree weather days. As usual I am in a fabulous suit with pumps, sweating like I'm filming a commercial for Nike. I'm hobbling along block after block seeing bunions in my future.

I get back to where my car is and its not there. I don't know why but I can't read the signs in NYC. I don't understand what they are trying to say. Do they speak Aramaic at the DMV? You know these punks created this labyrinth so they can issue tickets.

I ask some guy who's pooping his dog where my car could be towed to. He says "one place the impound lot". As luck would have it, on the other side of the city.

At the time I am poor and can't believe its going to cost me $350 to get my car back. I might also mention the car is not even worth $350...its 12 years old. I decide I can't afford to spend any more money, so a cab is out-of-the-question.

To further punish myself for being such a dumby I pilgrimage some 47 blocks to my destiny. When I arrive I find out that I need to present my ID and then wait for an hour. Why the wait I ask? The cops tell me they have to run a background check and be sure I have no outstanding tickets.

Where is the customer service?

I sit in one of the worlds dirtiest cities in an even dirtier office. The cop behind the desk is staring at my boobs. I notice for some reason that gnats are everywhere. I face the decision to wait out in the heat or hang with the "lord of the flies."

I conclude they are checking me out to see if I am mob connected... as they only do in NY.

It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times

New York, New York. The Big Apple. Everyone thinks we look super chic and flawless all the time. We just play it off better than the rest. This is the story about a sort of "we're not in Kansas anymore Toto" realization.

Sometimes I can't believe I used to put up with the kind of stuff I did. I just remembered a time when the old NYC rep left, and I added NYC to my existing 6 state territory. I was about a month into it and was not yet making money. I was still very much "California Wussified". Culture shock would be be putting it mildly.

So "Times Were Hard On The Blvd" as the old rap song says....I had debts to pay and it was 100 degrees in the shade...the subways maybe 110. I probably had sweat in inappropriate places..

Recently I had gotten a bit fat (hey I'm honest) and my new platform shoe from Nine West collapsed. I am convinced this is why. The shoes hurt to begin with which should have served as a warning.. but they were hot and cheap so I got them.

I had to spend all day walking around the city on my tippy toe, in this broken shoe, looking like I had survived polio. I just could not afford to buy new shoes.

Its a hard knock life...

How To Shower: Boys and Girls

I'll admit at the moment I'm idealess...however I think you'll find this video hilarious.

Let me know what you think in the comments section. :)

In Case You Wanted to Know.

How would you describe your target customer?

Our target customer is anyone who likes posh skincare with the newest edge available. This is a client that is slightly more conscious than the rest of the world and read labels to ensure their skincare is the cleanest, greenest and most eco-friendly home care grooming ware available. They also appreciate technology and happier molecules.

Let’s talk about your target customer, or your growth customer… what steps have you taken to attract this person?

Again? Arghh!

Ok we have taken the green factor and turned it up a notch. We like to call ourselves Green to the 12^th power. Our images on the website are thought provoking to ensue a new version of cool that has never before existed in a world full of Greenies. In essence its “Tree Hugger Chic".

Who else do you need to sell to? Who is your current advertising missing?

We have no current advertising as the website has not launched yet. Please help me so I can move out of my mama’s house.

Joking (ok not really).

Who are your main competitors? I trust no one.

How do their operations differ from yours? They are warehouses like Costco for Skincare.

How do they advertise? They are Google whores.

What are your strongest points? I am greener and meaner.

What are theirs? They have more money and more products and higher rankings.

Commentary: I would love to think I have no competition but that would just make me a huge narcissist right? My arch enemies are anyone higher on Google than I. Lets face it in the world of the "wild,wild, web." It’s all about who’s on top and who’s bent over.

Did I just say that??

With respect to your three biggest business goals, where are you today and where do you need to be?

I need to launch. My first initial goal is 500 billion dollars and a ring from David Beckham..

Its a big goal but someones gotta dream it.

What is your timetable? When I start getting gray pubes its been too long.

Hence You Must Mask Ye Faire Maiden...

How wretched you must look if you don't mask your face at least 3 times weekly, your body once weekly. We have come such a long way and modern concoctions are rather effortless.

Why? Because its how we treat the skin to the stuff it can't absorb. Just because your skin doesn't swallow up clay or seaweed it does not mean we shouldn't use it.

Who speaks such blasphemy?

In Shakespearean and Renaissance plays and readings, the frequent reference to "fair" actually means "distinctly shining". Egg glaze and poppy oil were just some of the things used to treat the skin and insure courtship.

Women also used to wear protective armor-like mask's around the square. This was done after chemical peels were left on the skin for 7 days. These peels would wound the face for a week or so and the mask served to protect it from the sun and to keep the skin "faire". Upon the 7th day the face would first be steamed with honey. Removal was complete by gently rubbing milk soaked breadcrumbs on the face. It wasn't rare for a woman of 50 to look 25.

Now today's painless masks can do many things like moisturize, brighten, give you that "O glow"... whatever your heart desires.

Or maybe just a little mini detox from your latest hangover?

Gone are the days of quicksilver, lemon and turpentine peels. Wait what?

How To Eliminate Adult Acne- The Paleo Diet

If your dealing with adult acne there is one thing that you need to know; the cause. Believe me when I say its dietary.

I am not talking about eating to much chocolate or drinking too much coffee. I'm talking about sugar, grain and dairy. The bottom line is they are not fit for human consumption. If you don't believe me just read the Paleo Diet book and try the diet for 4 weeks. Every single zit will be gone. I guarantee it.

The root cause of acne is always misunderstood. Most think that because oil exists on the skin during this time that it's the cause. They try to treat the oil, always unsuccessfully by burning the skin with chemical peels or drying the skin with Peroxide. Neither works long term and the acne returns. The reason for this is that the physiology and PH of the skin have not changed. This is fundamentally internal and must be done with diet.

The root cause of acne is inflammation and inflammation is always caused by food allergens. So why are we always trying to treat the oil? Long ago scientists discovered that many times oil was present in acneic skin conditions. It was known that the oil that was clogging the follicle was of a thicker nature; hence the clogging. The mission then became to treat the oil as it appeared to be the cause. I think the oil is there to protect the skin from inflammation. In essence oil production can increase we are under stress, or generally not treating ourselves well.

So what came first the chicken or the egg? Or in this case the inflammation or the oil?

I'm going to stake my vote on inflammation which is the cause of all disease.

So what causes inflammation?

Stop eating that candy and just read the book already...

How To Bathe Part 2: Lavender Can Kill You

Back in the day, when I was still an amateur bather, I discovered aromatherapy. I would go to the herb store and buy those bottles of 100% pure essential oils. Some of them I could buy a little larger than others because they were used more frequently. I decided to buy a large bottle of Lavender. This bottle was 50 bucks.

So I get home and start to run the bath. I open the bottle and without looking dump half of the bottle into the bath. Normally these bottles come with a dropper in the top. So when you pour it you can count the drops. This bottle had no stopper because it was professional sized. I had no idea this was the case.

I am looking at the tub and thinking to to myself that I will take this bath since its now a $25 bath. I get in the tub. Ah relaxing!!! But wait is that a headache coming on?

After about 15 minutes I start to feel weird like I'm going to pass out in the tub. I can't keep my eyes open, I try to stay awake but feel sick in the process. I am now nauseous, and weakly trying to hold onto the side of the tub so I don't drown and then I taste it... lavender oil in my mouth?

How did I swallow it? I wonder if this is the problem.

I realize that I did not swallow it but that it was in every cell of my body and that's why I could actually taste it. In my aromatherapy training I was taught this but was a non-believer. Ancient lore says that garlic, when rubbed on the feet, can be detected on the breath within 20 minutes.

I dry off and lay in my bed, too weak to move. It took more than 10 hours to feel better and I had to brush my teeth once an hour, to eliminate the lavender taste which kept returning for days.

Obviously I am still very much alive...but I say don't try this at home.

How To Bathe Like The Japanese

You know you need a shower but don't feel like it. Fret no more because the ritual bath is making a comeback.

I have found that people no longer know how to bathe well myself included. What do I mean? Well going to the store to buy a body wash to dump in the tub for bubbles is not a bath. It lacks elegance and does not give the bather the true rejuvenation they need.

There are many ways to bathe well but for god sakes make some damn effort! You need to create a bathhouse-like environment.

The first thing you need to decide is what ails you. Is it sore muscles, tiredness, a sickness of some sort, anxiety, a rash, or are you just plain dirty?

So here is an example of a real bath. Just tonight I took a ritual bath... relaxation is the intention.

Because I have decided to quit my job and go forward with this website ...I'm totally tense. I also got sick this week and really needed to feel and smell good. I was sent a Japanese bathhouse kit from a company who specializes in the ritual bath. In the kit there are several steps that lead to bathhouse style bathing. First a clay wash that smells like Yuzu, then a scrub that has various seeds and rice grains in it smells like Lemongrass, next a mesh bag containing; cherry flowers, various barks, rice and seeds goes in the tub and filled with water. As per the instructions I routinely squeeze this pouch over me as I bathe like I'm being prepared for sainthood, then I pat myself dry get out of the tub, I apply lime oil to my skin, over that I apply a plum cream. Bliss I tell you.

You may be thinking this is insane but its not. You can focus your mind during this type of relaxation. You can achieve this better than any massage for a fraction of the cost.

I smell divine for 3 days.

Once Upon A Time.... In Acupuncture.

Just the other week I am lying on the table like a pin cushion.. chock-full of needles. You know the position, face down, on a massage table with the hole cut-out for the face.

On this particular day I am having a procedure called Moxibustion (forgive the spelling) done. For those of you who need to lose your acupuncture virginity this procedure works.

Its hilarious. He takes this thing that looks like a long joint and cuts off a piece of it. Then he balances it on one of the needles sticking out of me and lights it on fire.

Suddenly I am my own Circe Du Soleil special.

So I can't move because I have all these needles in me and quite honestly I'm afraid to. I visualize the fiery joint falling on me and scalding me.

My appointment is very theatrical I am thinking as I finally start to relax. So just before I nod off a freaking rat runs across the floor right underneath my face. I love animals but like to be introduced to them gently.

I screamed so loud and the doctor came running in. He tried to stamp on the mouse which is just way to much for me. I swear I'm calling my peeps at PETA. BTW did you know 2008 is year of the rat in China?

Now my back looks like I have some abusive lover who likes to put his cigarette out on me.....

The Trials and Tribs Of The Evil Organization Known As Weight Watchers.

I starved my but all week and actually did not use all my points for Weight Watchers. I get to the meeting thinking I am so dope and have lost like another 5 pounds.


Nope.

I gained.

.6 pounds.

My life is in shambles. I have come to the realization that I need to work out. I would rather have my arm chopped off than gain weight. Come to think of it that would take off a few pounds huh?

WTH?

Why Acupuncture Is For The Thick Skinned.

Picture this. I start going to a new acupuncturist in San Fran. He is this hilariously awesome Chinese man. Kinda reminds me of the orphanage owner in Norbit. Now I have Fibromyalgia and at the time it was bad, bad, bad. So I go to this guy who is supposedly one of the best in San Francisco. That's saying a lot since their Chinese population is one of the biggest in the country.

He tells me I have liver heat. In Chinese medicine liver heat is a form of toxicity. It can make you angry and your muscles can hurt. Your tongue will look like its too big for your mouth and will have bite marks down the side when you stick it out. This is how they diagnose. I just can't make this stuff up.

The first thing about this guy was he refused to use "Tea Pills". Tea pills are exactly what they sound like Chinese herbs brewed into a tea and then put into pills. Most Americans will not do what the Chinese prefer and brew the special tea. If you went to this guy this was the only option. When I would ask him to get me the pills he refused, citing absorption issues.

No pill for you!

So he sends me to the counter pharmacist. She reaches in little draws and pulls out and weighs all the herbs for me to cook. It was always exciting to see what they were going to put in my bag. My tea ends up being 1/4 weird berries, 1/4 locust shells, 1/4 seahorses, 1/4 bark. Yummy.

I can't do it. I can't drink it. My roommates are pissed at me because our apartment now smells like a barn. This is not regular tea if your thinking "what's the big deal". I had to actually cook these herbs for 45 minutes to an hour every night. The 6 cups of liquid I put in the pot was reduced to 1 1/2 cup of thick black sludge. I got tired of bringing this stinky potion to work and trying to chug it down between clients. Tired of dirt flavored burps.

I had been to many, many acupuncturists in the last 10 years. I thought I knew what to expect. Well I did not expect this. This guy would put 70 needles in one side leave me there for 1 1/2 hours then come in and ask me to flip over. In the other side he would put another 70 needles and leave me there for another 1 1/2 hours. I later figured out that he was outside smoking cigarettes. Huh? Isn't this guy a medicine man? Not only do I not have time for this but it freaking hurts!

I had to lie there dying to pee for so long, unable to move. The Chinese say any movement can bend the needles inside you. Not a pleasant picture eh? He also would constantly tell me he was going to help me to produce more milk for the baby or get pregnant. What baby? Is he on drugs? I am not trying to get pregnant and have no kids.

What if he actually got me knocked up with his damn needles? Would anyone believe that its immaculate?

I changed acupuncturists.

Things That Make You Go Ohhhhh!

In every spa there's wax, and where there's wax, there's wax cleaner. There are two types; one for the skin and one to clean the equipment. Whats used on the skin is a soothing blue oil which removes the stickiness. Keyword: Soothing. We label this "Skin Cleaner". Whats used on everything else is the industrial grade stuff that could clean grease off garage floors. This is not to be used on skin ever. We label this "Wax Cleaner".

Also state law says if we are buying wax cleaner or oil in bulk, the container we pour it into must be labeled accordingly. We estheticians never confuse the two.

I had just given this client a Brazilian. I cleaned the area and removed all the residual wax, or so I thought. I leave the room to get tweezers (because the one I was working with was dull).

I come back to my room with them. My client's in the fetal position in tears.

She tells me she decided to use the bottle labeled "Wax Cleaner" because she still felt sticky in some areas.

She's asking me why its burning.

My Old Fragrance: Il Profumo Di Aglio

I'm done. I've given up. After years of searching for the magic potion I've come come to a realization. Natural deodorant just does not work for me.

Who beholds the secret sauce that will make me magically smellicious? Am I just a stinky Italian girl who smells likes I've got onions under my pits? God forbid I dare to use anything herb scented under there I smell like rack of lamb.

Oh and don't even talk to me if I have eaten garlic. I had to swear off the stuff years ago because people could actually smell it on me. It was lovely being referred to as "garlic girl" at a previous job. This ended my love of garlic forever.

I'm smelling pretty good this days thanks to Secret...

Its my party and I'll do who I want to. After all I've cheated death..

That's right I said it.

This just in: A guy I dated for one night (you get me?) is in prison for killing someone. He got a lifer 50+ years. OMG!

Every year when I lived in San Francisco my roommates and myself used to throw a huge party in my apartment. We used to turn that place upside down, and had hundreds show up over the course of the night. That's how I met him. It was a friend of a friend kinda thing.

The first time I talked to him I thought he was incredibly stupid. He kept trying to hit on me but I was into someone else.

The second time I met him (at our second party) I was drunk. Whoopsie!!!

Danger is my middle name.

Why Weight Watchers Irritates Me.

After my last post I had to think back to my last meeting. I was trying to forget about this one because the topic of that meeting was how laughing burns calories. Who cares??? I am not fat because I don't laugh enough.

If they want us to laugh they need to start serving martini's in this joint. I promise to laugh my butt off after I've had a few. I'm also looking for an excuse to boo/heckle the instructor during these lame sessions.

OK so why am I fat? The reason I am fat is because I need to wire my jar shut. Do they still do this?

So I am stuck in a meeting, with a bunch of women who are faking laughter as the instructor tells corny jokes. Yay.

I was never good at faking it.

It was very Fried Green Tomatoes. I was waiting for them to ask us to straddle our mirrors and I know you know what I'm talking about....

Now that's funny...

Fat Girl Slim. Part 2. Thy Thindom Come.

I have to say after coming from my weight watchers meeting tonight I am pumped. Not only did I lose 3.2lbs this week (thank you very much) but I went food shopping afterwards. I decided to go to Trader Joe's because lets face it my budget is about to change. I just quit my job. So I decided to stop shopping at "Whole Paycheck" (formerly known as Whole Foods). I will be sobbing in my pillow tonight..

So I am in Trader Joe's (my new favorite supermarket) and someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn around and its this woman who was just in my meeting. She says hi to me. I look in her cart and she has these mini chocolate meringue cookies. She tells me that they are only 2 points for 13 of them. Are you freaking kidding me? Holy mother of Spumoni (my favorite Italian dessert) there is a god!

So I ask her where they are as I am standing in line ready to check out. She hands me hers and then goes and gets herself another package of them. Talk about random acts of kindness! She is my new BFF now. We're talking heart necklace status.

I get home and break open the package after dinner (veggies first). They are really freaking good! You know what they taste like? If chocolate mouse could produce a turd, this would be it. Fabulous. Now I can stop swallowing my own spit when I'm hungry.

Until next weeks weigh in....

Massimo

Yeah that's his real name the spelling I'm not sure about.

I met this guy with a friend at a restaurant in San Francisco. He was from Italy and was here in the states getting his MBA. He invites us over to this guy Massimo's house for a seven course meal. Blond haired, blue-eyed Massimo.

Despite what your thinking, I was not attracted to Massimo at all. We had a totally normal and very good meal with these two guys. Massimo could cook so I give him credit for that. We had a good laugh over the fact that he bought Kraft Parmesan cheese complete with shaker. He did not know it was of poor quality so I told him.

He asked his friend to get my number and I said sure give it to him. Why not? I was going through a dry spell anyhow. Men that are shorter and thinner than me are never my type but I was feeling adventurous and he was so polite.

So Massimo (the size 2 future businessman) proceeds to call me 2-3 times a day. Pleading with me for a date. He was always offering something attractive with his heavy Italian accent. He would ask me to "go to the beach together"..

Um hello? Is this what Europeans do on a first date. Are they all so freaking fabulously thin that this is standard? Screw that. I'm a fatty and I will have dinner on my first dates only. Io Amore cibo!!!

I finally go over to his house for dinner and I knock on his door. For 15 minutes he is not coming to the door. Now if you knew anything about San Francisco men you would think automatically your being flaked out on. But this guy is from Italy. I-T-A-L-Y. Finally he comes to the door and opens it. My jaw drops. He had sliced his hand open while cooking for me and is trying to stop the blood. He also decided to shave (and I mean Bic it) his beautiful longish hair off that week. Hair that I swear only looks good on Italian men. Crap! "That was the only good feature he had", I thought.

Now I am on a date with Gollum, a bleeding Gollum actually. All nose and no hair. Its just tragic. He just looks stressed and greasy in a way that only Italian men do. I offer to cook (mainly because I don't want his blood in my food). He declines my offer and my stomach turns. He's still bleeding.

We sit down to dinner and all goes well.

He's still bleeding.

Then he asks me if I want to sit on the couch with him.

Yep. Still bleeding.

At this point I am totally disgusted. He refuses to deal with his bleeding finger properly. I really want to leave but he's just cooked me this amazing dinner (while practically missing a finger).

I try to beat him off with a stick for a few minutes on the couch. He proceeds to suddenly stick his head in my cleavage (against my will) and play motorboat. I was very strange. I realize that I can't deal with him any longer. I literally back out of the apartment so he can't grab any other body parts. I concentrate on deflecting his additional attempts at courtship on my way out. What a weirdo.

Should I go out with him again?

We Force The Hand Of The Labs To Provide Us With Crap Products

Why oh why do we continue to buy cheap beauty products? Why do we pay $150-$250 a jar for "Creme De La Crap". Does anyone realize that this literally is just perfumed wax and costs less than a dollar a jar? Yeah, yeah PR is great isn't it. It just makes the world go round. You want to look good so you buy whats hot.

I get it.

We continue to force hand of the labs to provide us with crap products. We buy the seemingly cheap stuff at the drug store. It may seem cheap but it does nothing so you essentially waste your money. You go back out on the hunt for the product that will save your face. You wake up every morning looking like a crackle painting because these mental giants barely have any decent moisturizers on the market.

They have "The Kavorka" (Lathian Orthodox for Mojo) though don't they?

Lets think about this for as moment. Instead of buying stuff to give us instant gratification, to instantly smooth out our skin, buy the stuff that works.

Do the research, its not hard.

How? www.EWG.org check out the SKIN DEEP database. Amazing huh?

Fat Girl Slim.

I love how today scientists finally discovered that diet soda makes you fat. This made headlines. Are we really just finding this out? C'mon.

For years the big food companies have been making us fat, hiding information about what causes obesity. I believe that artificial chemicals are not the way to go. Drinking a gallon of diet soda a day is disgusting and probably will kill you instantly. So the next time someone offers you a glass of liquid love handles smack'em with your pimp hand.

But hey in my current state of fatness what do I know? I think congress should show them the hand, and make it illegal for punks to use the word diet soda.

BTW I lost 9lbs so far in Weight Watchers without the use of these so called diet elixirs.

1 me, 0 them.

Eyes Wide Open.

I am so ghetto. I just can't stop writing about the bling.

I've found the must have products for women coast-to-coast on a budget. Its the one product every girl needs to look fresh, awake and ready for Kung Fu.

You'll really wake-up when you realize its gonna cost between $589- $14 million a tube for mascara and lipstick. But hey... its a deal because their cases are covered in Swarovski Crystals or pink diamonds. Plus it makes you feel kinda cool and that's priceless...

Hornets and lipstick and diamonds...oh my!!

Pimp My Chalupa

We are always looking for new things to pimp. Who thought that vagina's would be one of them?

When I worked in San Francisco I was was exposed to many types of "Designa Vagina's". Some wanted shapes, some letters. Others wanted to bling-bling the "thing".

I remember one stripper who always wanted a heart (which I thought was kinda lame actually). Oh and by the way I got the vibe that she was actually a five dollar hooker. Come to think of it anyone paying $5 for a hooker might think heart shaped pubic hair to be a bonus.

There was also the crystal gem application which was really fun and does look cool for special occasions. Every year on Valentines Day we did hearts and on the 4th of July lots of American Flags.

I do think having all the hair ripped off your crotch to apply the flag is definitely patriotic.


Like this Story? Read The Gucci G-Spot

Ayurveda. Real Or BS? You Be The Judge.

I once worked in a spa where I had to perform Ayurvedic body treatments. Before I did the service I had to determine what Dosha someone was to know what Indian herbs/essential oils and killer tea would be used to balance the body. Literally.

You might be asking what is a Dosha?
According to Ayurveda, each of us has a unique mix of three mind/body principles which creates our specific mental and physical characteristics. These three principles are called 'Doshas'. Most of us have one or two Doshas which are most lively in our nature, with the remaining one(s) less significant.


What are the 3 Doshas?
The three doshas are known as: Vata, Pitta and Kapha.

My client had to take a test and answer questions about their personality/physical traits and also their bowel movements. Instead of filling out paperwork (like a normal spa) we were required to ask them them very intimate questions in person.

Whats the scoop on your poop? A friend of mine used to say

On this day this client was a guy.

After he took the test we did the treatment. After the treatment I gave him his special Ayurvedic tea. After the special Ayurvedic tea his throat closed up and he had to go to the hospital.

Trying to explain to his doctor what was in this stuff was priceless......

Why I Could Never Have A Foot Fetish.

I'll never suck a toe. Never!

I decided to attend a Reflexology course that would take a week to get certified in "Spa Reflexology". What a pack of lies this class was. I deeply regret the whole experience.

I thought the theory part of the class was interesting and I love the concept behind all Eastern Medicine so that was not a problem for me. What was a problem for me was the realization that I could not wear latex gloves during the technical part of the class. I had to touch and work on some strangers feet for 2 days straight giving her a total of 8 Reflexology treatments. Its not unusual to be disgusted by feet so why not let people know ahead of time the criteria for passing the class? Why let us suffer?

I was not allowed to use essential oils on the her feet (I asked). It was supposed to be against protocol. I just think the instructor was conspiring to torture me. Maybe she was jealous of my being such a good stinky foot massager.

As an esthetician essential oils had always been my crutch, my saving grace, from the worlds dirtiness. For example if someone had bad breath or body odor I could just put some tangerine oil in my steamer and be transported to citrus groves.

Its not just about the fact that I had to touch her feet, its that they made us smell the feet. In Reflexology they say that feet that smell like cheese indicate that the person is toxic and feet that smell like Ammonia indicate and acidic system. Supposedly this diagnosis would determine the treatment schematic.

Yada, yada.

Either way, not fun.

As I work on her feet they begin to sweat (each and every time) and stink, and you know I could not say anything.

For this reason I hated that class, and to this day, I really hate feet.

Canceling An Appointment With Your Waxer Might Be Deadly

If you know anything about me you'll know I started my first business out of my home in San Francisco.

I get this new client who is a total pain and she wants me to recommend skincare to her while waxing her. The funny thing is she wanted to talk about the fluff that she can buy in the drugstore. So I am trying to explain to her that because I am an esthetician I never go to the drugstore and could not tell her about the skincare there. I would never buy that stuff. Lets face it, if that stuff actually worked, I would not have a job.

After we finish her full body wax for only $100 (hey she was a size zero) she proceeds to eat up my time by repeating her request for drugstore skincare recommendations. Annoying!!!

In the following months she booked three more appointments but never showed up for them. She was so inconsiderate. I started to feel like a loser. Who did she think she was messing with?

She would beg me to see her at 7am before she had to go to work. Like an idiot I had allowed her to push me to make the appointment again and again. She would always cancel last minute after I had set-up for her and heated the wax for over an hour. This is one of the reasons why spas ask for your credit card number before taking appointments. I was really getting fed up with this and did not have a credit card terminal.

She was just pushy and I was sick of it. My time is worth money and she was wasting it.

Its times like this that I just wanna "throw down" as they say. I start to fantasize about buying brass knuckles (pink ones of course cuz I'm a lady) and beating her. I imagine a scene like "spa people" meet "Fight Club".

Pink boxing gloves maybe?

Hey lets elaborate on this... Imagine me killing her, I mean actually killing her over missed appointments. I could see it now on the news. They come to my house, arrest me, find her DNA in my wax pot and haul my sorry arse off to jail. Ok,ok I'm just kidding I am seriously over it.

So lets get back to what happened. The fourth time she booked an appointment I slept in. I figured she would not show. She showed! She knocked on my door for over 20 mins while I lay in bed watching TV. Over the next few months she called me several times apologizing and asking me if she had offended me in some way. I never called her back.

Payback.

Death Of A Stiletto Junkie

If you ever want a really good pedicure, go to a very upscale spa in your area. They are much cleaner than the usual cheesy nail place around the corner.

You know the place. A land where quick dry only costs a dollar and somehow you leave paying $70 dollars when you only intended to spend 10.

You gotta watch out for these people. Most speak no English and barely sanitize the cuticle cutters. Once my mother told me she saw someone folding the dirty wet towels used to wipe feet of and putting them back in the "hot towel cabbie". Lovely.

I too used to go to these places until I got the warts (on my feet). If you have ever gotten warts on your feet you know how painful they can be. I got 18 on one foot and 5 on the other. It was an infestation that took more than 6 months to resolve.

Now at the time I was in sales in NYC and had to look the part. Everyday I was wearing stiletto's and a suit to work. I just could not get through the day without my Isabella Fiore's. So in attempt to retain my hotness I chose to limp rather than wear sneakers. That was until I threw my knee out. I ended up on the couch for a week which sucked.

Unfortunately I have not been able to get back into my pumps, my knee just won't have it.

To The Spa Conspirators: Don't Bite The Hand That Feeds You

I will never forget my first real job as an esthetician. I had worked at a bunch of "eh" places before finally landing a job in my first "big spa". This spa was the "creme de la creme" in Stamford, CT. It was 3 floors and probably 30,000 square feet. They had over 200 service providers including facialists, hair stylists and nail techs.

Now what makes me laugh is the fact that when they hired me they told me that I did not have enough experience. Duh! They said they were hiring me because they liked me so much. But of course!

Anyway I worked for $12 an hour plus tips (this was 10 years ago) because that's what they paid until the 3rd month. If you made it to the 3rd month past their "so called training program" you got 40% commission off everything and of course, tips.

Now one of the things us estheticians have a problem with (when we are new) is running on time. It very difficult to he meet the demands of the client in the allotted time slot allocated by the spa. Frequently the client is told they are getting a one hour facial. But little do they know this includes the time the esthetician has to clean the the room, and set up for the next client.

Now I probably ran late to a few clients and I can remember one in particular being really pissed about it. I also think I was set-up. There are a select amount of people that come to the spa just to report back how the service was. Sometimes they are other estheticians that work at other spas or former employee's. At the time I did not know about these "secret spa informants".
Why was I set-up? Because estheticians are vile. Trust me I am one. If we are not fully booked with a waiting list to get in to see us don't hire others. That's just our bottom line. Somebody must have been whining about the new hire...me (who by the way was the top sales person for 2 months in a row).

Superstar!

So I get called into the office telling me that they are hearing that I am inexperienced. They tell that there have been client complaints. I know this hasn't happened.

They then tell me that if I want to stay I have to pay another esthetician to train me. I am to pay her $50 an hour for this training. I do. After that they have me give another facial to their manager who tells me that the creme I put on her feet is burning. Is this my fault? They provide this stuff!

Oh and by the way, having to touch her feet during a facial is asinine. This spa owner wanted us to give our clients a hand and foot massage during this ritual. This is the stupidest thing I have every heard. Remember the time I actually have to do this.

So to make a long story come to an end I am dismissed. I am an told to go out and get some post grad education and then come back to the spa when I am more experienced. No thanks. I hate feet.

The guy that fires me is a construction worker who inherited this 10 million dollar spa from his poor deceased wife. After they tell me I'm fired this Tony Soprano wannabe says, and I quote, "you just didn't make the cut kid".

Last month I heard they had 27 hair stylists walk out within a week. They took all their clients with them and went to work in a place 1 block away. That's just priceless.

The moral of the story? If you swim with sharks you'll likely get bit.