A 20,000 Dollar Facelift For FREE? This Really Works!

Leave it up to Jack Lalanne to make us all young again. It amazes me that this man has better muscle structure, (in his face) at 90 something, than most ladies in their 40's.

Don't laugh too hard at the retro videos this stuff is awesome and now I am pooped!!

Amish Or Just A Bad Haircut? Thanks Mom!

The good old days:

I had a series of bad haircuts (via mom) when I was 10 so that was an awkward year. I also really needed a bra but was in denial, so I walked with a hunchback (to hide my bumps) and wore two shirts. But by the time I was 11 I had it goin' on...

Getting a haircut by a family member: Free

Being old enough to choose your own stylist: Priceless

Death Becomes Her......Well Almost..

3 times a week I go to Whole Foods to spend my "whole paycheck" buying my "Grass Fed" dinner. Every time I am in the meat market I pick up a chicken, or something else that's harmless while alive but possibly contaminated with Salmonella upon death. If not that then surely some other deadly virus not yet discovered, but will be.. then named in my honor.

The outside of the package is mysteriously wet and disease infested, I know it is. So I stare death right in the pupils and smack it with my pimp hand. In other words... It. Is. On....

Lucky for me I just happen to own ModVellum and sell Herban Essentials Towelettes. I always put the wrapped carcass in a plastic produce baggie and wipe my hands with a lemon towelette pronto. I started this after I went to Whole Food's and discovered that the handle of my shopping cart was actually comprised of various persons old chewing gum. It must be that "next generation" recycling.

What will they think of next?

*BTW when you buy a pack of Herban Essentials in any single scent for the month of August we will give you samples of the other two scents.

What is it? Our Herban Essentials blurb from the site;

We think they are the shiznit. They go guns blazing on germs. The wipes can be used to eradicate that not-so-fresh feeling on hands, feet, and faces. They're a must for us urban people with OCD, hence the name Herban Essentials.

Don’t confuse them with baby wipes or booty wipes but a whole new level of hygiene entirely. What we love is the fact that these are made entirely of essential wild-grown oils from American farmers whenever possible. Herban Essentials uses the highest quality 100% pure essential oils, therapeutic grade, steam distilled, or cold pressed essential oils. It shows. Their products are never tested on animals, only herban disorders.

Its a dirty world out there so...giddy up.

Shop Herban Essentials

How To Get The Cheapest, Yet Worst Massage....Hey Its Still A Massage!!!!

One of the last times I was in San Francisco I went to get a massage. I have no idea why I even attempt to get massages in San Francisco, because I've never had a good one. The reasons vary.

My friend tells me that he found a great place for us to get massage. I think this is awesome because its right down the street from our hotel. So we can walk home.

He tells me its like only 30 bucks for an hour massage and they are open until 11pm. Instantly I am suspicious, nothing in San Francisco is open that late. I tell him its probably a whorehouse. He convinces me its not because they have an acupuncturist on staff.

I am wondering why I don't know about this place since I lived in San Fran for 4 years and have been in this industry for almost 10.

We get there and all the.. um, service providers look surprised to see me. They are dressed in 42nd street clothes. They speak no English and give me the worst rubdown ever, I could not relax. I was seriously waiting for the girl to offer me a happy ending or something but that would have really would have freaked my out.

Never before have I had a massage by a woman in "Ho Shoes"...

I won't be going back.

Zero Percent Crap

I don't really understand the mathematics of it, but I will say, I'm wildly impressed by 100 Percent Pure.

Talk about innovative, the owner (Susie Wang) has created this skincare almost entirely from fruits and veggies. She has a patent on the development on the pigments which are also plant derived (she won't be having any competition any time soon).

Now you might be wondering what all the hoopla is about, but in THIS industry, these standards just doesn't exist. Just have a look at the ingredients on the site.

If your a purist think about this;

A lip gloss thats 83% vitamin E oil and contains pigment ONLY from fruits and veggies?

Body washes that smells like fresh lime/lemon/nectarine and with no thickeners?

Fragrant body creams with no artificial fragrance? Pardon moi??

*BTW there are almost 18 different fruits/scents to choose from and the the whole line-up is cruelty-free, biodegradable, organic, vegan and vegetarian. Who can top that?

We strongly disagree, if you think you have met their match..let us know in the comments section.

Until then SHOP 100 PERCENT PURE

Nail Salon Comedy

A tribute to all my girls who hate going to the nail salon. I find this YouTube video funny because she does that San Francisco Thai accent I have come to know so well. I find myself reminiscing about the good old times..

Future Skin Concepts

You just gotta love products like this.

Just when I think everything has been done, already invented I deeply gaze into the eyes of the latest “it” product. At first I’ll admit I could not understand the uniquity (is that a word?...I like it) of this product. The name just doesn’t depict what it does. However its explanation was enough to keeping searching for more.

Now many of you must know I am the goddess of multi-tasking. My love affair with the beauty/spa industry has always been one of push-pull. I love it all but just don’t want to spend the time doing it. So how could I resist the Hawaiian company Malie telling me I could apply my moisturizer while in the shower?

I really must pinch myself.

So What's The 411?

Apparently they have created a body moisture bar called Mango Buttercup to use on hot skin only in the shower. You use this when your skin is warm or run it under hot water to melt is just a bit.

Get your skin hot and then shut the water off because like a stick of butter it melts. You can massage it into your skin while in the shower then just step out and air-dry.

Its great for this summers travel because it won't spill, and isn't liquid.. so its airline safe. The Hawaiians also say it’s the ultimate remedy for sunburns as well.

I think they would know a thing or two about that...

Why Lucy B Deserves An Emmy For Everything Frangiapani

This stuff is making me me wishful of an Aussie holiday and fast.

After launching the site (seriously not fun) I am in need of many things. To put me back together again I need a diet, some laser and a nice holiday for my efforts. Every time I smell the Frangipani Eau De Parfum and the Frangipani Bronzing Shimmer Oil I get that mini vacation I desperately seek. More relaxing than smoking a joint (not that I am a fan), or getting a massage this stuff will unwind the muscles in your neck. I think we may be on the cusp of world peace here.

I am nominating this as the must have summer fragrance. I must warn you though because I believe it will go out of stock I have become very protective of my bottle. In fact if I die I will not leave this fragrance to anyone. I can and will take it with me.

Effective immediately I am putting in my will that I should like to be sprayed with the stuff pre-funeral.

Somebody’s going to have to pry my perfume bottle from my cold, dead, Frangipani scented corpse.

Hence You Must Mask Ye Faire Maiden...

How wretched you must look if you don't mask your face at least 3 times weekly, your body once weekly. We have come such a long way and modern concoctions are rather effortless.

Why? Because its how we treat the skin to the stuff it can't absorb. Just because your skin doesn't swallow up clay or seaweed it does not mean we shouldn't use it.

Who speaks such blasphemy?

In Shakespearean and Renaissance plays and readings, the frequent reference to "fair" actually means "distinctly shining". Egg glaze and poppy oil were just some of the things used to treat the skin and insure courtship.

Women also used to wear protective armor-like mask's around the square. This was done after chemical peels were left on the skin for 7 days. These peels would wound the face for a week or so and the mask served to protect it from the sun and to keep the skin "faire". Upon the 7th day the face would first be steamed with honey. Removal was complete by gently rubbing milk soaked breadcrumbs on the face. It wasn't rare for a woman of 50 to look 25.

Now today's painless masks can do many things like moisturize, brighten, give you that "O glow"... whatever your heart desires.

Or maybe just a little mini detox from your latest hangover?

Gone are the days of quicksilver, lemon and turpentine peels. Wait what?

My Old Fragrance: Il Profumo Di Aglio

I'm done. I've given up. After years of searching for the magic potion I've come come to a realization. Natural deodorant just does not work for me.

Who beholds the secret sauce that will make me magically smellicious? Am I just a stinky Italian girl who smells likes I've got onions under my pits? God forbid I dare to use anything herb scented under there I smell like rack of lamb.

Oh and don't even talk to me if I have eaten garlic. I had to swear off the stuff years ago because people could actually smell it on me. It was lovely being referred to as "garlic girl" at a previous job. This ended my love of garlic forever.

I'm smelling pretty good this days thanks to Secret...