Once Upon A Time.... In Acupuncture.

Just the other week I am lying on the table like a pin cushion.. chock-full of needles. You know the position, face down, on a massage table with the hole cut-out for the face.

On this particular day I am having a procedure called Moxibustion (forgive the spelling) done. For those of you who need to lose your acupuncture virginity this procedure works.

Its hilarious. He takes this thing that looks like a long joint and cuts off a piece of it. Then he balances it on one of the needles sticking out of me and lights it on fire.

Suddenly I am my own Circe Du Soleil special.

So I can't move because I have all these needles in me and quite honestly I'm afraid to. I visualize the fiery joint falling on me and scalding me.

My appointment is very theatrical I am thinking as I finally start to relax. So just before I nod off a freaking rat runs across the floor right underneath my face. I love animals but like to be introduced to them gently.

I screamed so loud and the doctor came running in. He tried to stamp on the mouse which is just way to much for me. I swear I'm calling my peeps at PETA. BTW did you know 2008 is year of the rat in China?

Now my back looks like I have some abusive lover who likes to put his cigarette out on me.....

The Trials and Tribs Of The Evil Organization Known As Weight Watchers.

I starved my but all week and actually did not use all my points for Weight Watchers. I get to the meeting thinking I am so dope and have lost like another 5 pounds.


Nope.

I gained.

.6 pounds.

My life is in shambles. I have come to the realization that I need to work out. I would rather have my arm chopped off than gain weight. Come to think of it that would take off a few pounds huh?

WTH?

Why Acupuncture Is For The Thick Skinned.

Picture this. I start going to a new acupuncturist in San Fran. He is this hilariously awesome Chinese man. Kinda reminds me of the orphanage owner in Norbit. Now I have Fibromyalgia and at the time it was bad, bad, bad. So I go to this guy who is supposedly one of the best in San Francisco. That's saying a lot since their Chinese population is one of the biggest in the country.

He tells me I have liver heat. In Chinese medicine liver heat is a form of toxicity. It can make you angry and your muscles can hurt. Your tongue will look like its too big for your mouth and will have bite marks down the side when you stick it out. This is how they diagnose. I just can't make this stuff up.

The first thing about this guy was he refused to use "Tea Pills". Tea pills are exactly what they sound like Chinese herbs brewed into a tea and then put into pills. Most Americans will not do what the Chinese prefer and brew the special tea. If you went to this guy this was the only option. When I would ask him to get me the pills he refused, citing absorption issues.

No pill for you!

So he sends me to the counter pharmacist. She reaches in little draws and pulls out and weighs all the herbs for me to cook. It was always exciting to see what they were going to put in my bag. My tea ends up being 1/4 weird berries, 1/4 locust shells, 1/4 seahorses, 1/4 bark. Yummy.

I can't do it. I can't drink it. My roommates are pissed at me because our apartment now smells like a barn. This is not regular tea if your thinking "what's the big deal". I had to actually cook these herbs for 45 minutes to an hour every night. The 6 cups of liquid I put in the pot was reduced to 1 1/2 cup of thick black sludge. I got tired of bringing this stinky potion to work and trying to chug it down between clients. Tired of dirt flavored burps.

I had been to many, many acupuncturists in the last 10 years. I thought I knew what to expect. Well I did not expect this. This guy would put 70 needles in one side leave me there for 1 1/2 hours then come in and ask me to flip over. In the other side he would put another 70 needles and leave me there for another 1 1/2 hours. I later figured out that he was outside smoking cigarettes. Huh? Isn't this guy a medicine man? Not only do I not have time for this but it freaking hurts!

I had to lie there dying to pee for so long, unable to move. The Chinese say any movement can bend the needles inside you. Not a pleasant picture eh? He also would constantly tell me he was going to help me to produce more milk for the baby or get pregnant. What baby? Is he on drugs? I am not trying to get pregnant and have no kids.

What if he actually got me knocked up with his damn needles? Would anyone believe that its immaculate?

I changed acupuncturists.

Things That Make You Go Ohhhhh!

In every spa there's wax, and where there's wax, there's wax cleaner. There are two types; one for the skin and one to clean the equipment. Whats used on the skin is a soothing blue oil which removes the stickiness. Keyword: Soothing. We label this "Skin Cleaner". Whats used on everything else is the industrial grade stuff that could clean grease off garage floors. This is not to be used on skin ever. We label this "Wax Cleaner".

Also state law says if we are buying wax cleaner or oil in bulk, the container we pour it into must be labeled accordingly. We estheticians never confuse the two.

I had just given this client a Brazilian. I cleaned the area and removed all the residual wax, or so I thought. I leave the room to get tweezers (because the one I was working with was dull).

I come back to my room with them. My client's in the fetal position in tears.

She tells me she decided to use the bottle labeled "Wax Cleaner" because she still felt sticky in some areas.

She's asking me why its burning.

My Old Fragrance: Il Profumo Di Aglio

I'm done. I've given up. After years of searching for the magic potion I've come come to a realization. Natural deodorant just does not work for me.

Who beholds the secret sauce that will make me magically smellicious? Am I just a stinky Italian girl who smells likes I've got onions under my pits? God forbid I dare to use anything herb scented under there I smell like rack of lamb.

Oh and don't even talk to me if I have eaten garlic. I had to swear off the stuff years ago because people could actually smell it on me. It was lovely being referred to as "garlic girl" at a previous job. This ended my love of garlic forever.

I'm smelling pretty good this days thanks to Secret...

Its my party and I'll do who I want to. After all I've cheated death..

That's right I said it.

This just in: A guy I dated for one night (you get me?) is in prison for killing someone. He got a lifer 50+ years. OMG!

Every year when I lived in San Francisco my roommates and myself used to throw a huge party in my apartment. We used to turn that place upside down, and had hundreds show up over the course of the night. That's how I met him. It was a friend of a friend kinda thing.

The first time I talked to him I thought he was incredibly stupid. He kept trying to hit on me but I was into someone else.

The second time I met him (at our second party) I was drunk. Whoopsie!!!

Danger is my middle name.

Why Weight Watchers Irritates Me.

After my last post I had to think back to my last meeting. I was trying to forget about this one because the topic of that meeting was how laughing burns calories. Who cares??? I am not fat because I don't laugh enough.

If they want us to laugh they need to start serving martini's in this joint. I promise to laugh my butt off after I've had a few. I'm also looking for an excuse to boo/heckle the instructor during these lame sessions.

OK so why am I fat? The reason I am fat is because I need to wire my jar shut. Do they still do this?

So I am stuck in a meeting, with a bunch of women who are faking laughter as the instructor tells corny jokes. Yay.

I was never good at faking it.

It was very Fried Green Tomatoes. I was waiting for them to ask us to straddle our mirrors and I know you know what I'm talking about....

Now that's funny...

Fat Girl Slim. Part 2. Thy Thindom Come.

I have to say after coming from my weight watchers meeting tonight I am pumped. Not only did I lose 3.2lbs this week (thank you very much) but I went food shopping afterwards. I decided to go to Trader Joe's because lets face it my budget is about to change. I just quit my job. So I decided to stop shopping at "Whole Paycheck" (formerly known as Whole Foods). I will be sobbing in my pillow tonight..

So I am in Trader Joe's (my new favorite supermarket) and someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn around and its this woman who was just in my meeting. She says hi to me. I look in her cart and she has these mini chocolate meringue cookies. She tells me that they are only 2 points for 13 of them. Are you freaking kidding me? Holy mother of Spumoni (my favorite Italian dessert) there is a god!

So I ask her where they are as I am standing in line ready to check out. She hands me hers and then goes and gets herself another package of them. Talk about random acts of kindness! She is my new BFF now. We're talking heart necklace status.

I get home and break open the package after dinner (veggies first). They are really freaking good! You know what they taste like? If chocolate mouse could produce a turd, this would be it. Fabulous. Now I can stop swallowing my own spit when I'm hungry.

Until next weeks weigh in....

Massimo

Yeah that's his real name the spelling I'm not sure about.

I met this guy with a friend at a restaurant in San Francisco. He was from Italy and was here in the states getting his MBA. He invites us over to this guy Massimo's house for a seven course meal. Blond haired, blue-eyed Massimo.

Despite what your thinking, I was not attracted to Massimo at all. We had a totally normal and very good meal with these two guys. Massimo could cook so I give him credit for that. We had a good laugh over the fact that he bought Kraft Parmesan cheese complete with shaker. He did not know it was of poor quality so I told him.

He asked his friend to get my number and I said sure give it to him. Why not? I was going through a dry spell anyhow. Men that are shorter and thinner than me are never my type but I was feeling adventurous and he was so polite.

So Massimo (the size 2 future businessman) proceeds to call me 2-3 times a day. Pleading with me for a date. He was always offering something attractive with his heavy Italian accent. He would ask me to "go to the beach together"..

Um hello? Is this what Europeans do on a first date. Are they all so freaking fabulously thin that this is standard? Screw that. I'm a fatty and I will have dinner on my first dates only. Io Amore cibo!!!

I finally go over to his house for dinner and I knock on his door. For 15 minutes he is not coming to the door. Now if you knew anything about San Francisco men you would think automatically your being flaked out on. But this guy is from Italy. I-T-A-L-Y. Finally he comes to the door and opens it. My jaw drops. He had sliced his hand open while cooking for me and is trying to stop the blood. He also decided to shave (and I mean Bic it) his beautiful longish hair off that week. Hair that I swear only looks good on Italian men. Crap! "That was the only good feature he had", I thought.

Now I am on a date with Gollum, a bleeding Gollum actually. All nose and no hair. Its just tragic. He just looks stressed and greasy in a way that only Italian men do. I offer to cook (mainly because I don't want his blood in my food). He declines my offer and my stomach turns. He's still bleeding.

We sit down to dinner and all goes well.

He's still bleeding.

Then he asks me if I want to sit on the couch with him.

Yep. Still bleeding.

At this point I am totally disgusted. He refuses to deal with his bleeding finger properly. I really want to leave but he's just cooked me this amazing dinner (while practically missing a finger).

I try to beat him off with a stick for a few minutes on the couch. He proceeds to suddenly stick his head in my cleavage (against my will) and play motorboat. I was very strange. I realize that I can't deal with him any longer. I literally back out of the apartment so he can't grab any other body parts. I concentrate on deflecting his additional attempts at courtship on my way out. What a weirdo.

Should I go out with him again?

We Force The Hand Of The Labs To Provide Us With Crap Products

Why oh why do we continue to buy cheap beauty products? Why do we pay $150-$250 a jar for "Creme De La Crap". Does anyone realize that this literally is just perfumed wax and costs less than a dollar a jar? Yeah, yeah PR is great isn't it. It just makes the world go round. You want to look good so you buy whats hot.

I get it.

We continue to force hand of the labs to provide us with crap products. We buy the seemingly cheap stuff at the drug store. It may seem cheap but it does nothing so you essentially waste your money. You go back out on the hunt for the product that will save your face. You wake up every morning looking like a crackle painting because these mental giants barely have any decent moisturizers on the market.

They have "The Kavorka" (Lathian Orthodox for Mojo) though don't they?

Lets think about this for as moment. Instead of buying stuff to give us instant gratification, to instantly smooth out our skin, buy the stuff that works.

Do the research, its not hard.

How? www.EWG.org check out the SKIN DEEP database. Amazing huh?

Fat Girl Slim.

I love how today scientists finally discovered that diet soda makes you fat. This made headlines. Are we really just finding this out? C'mon.

For years the big food companies have been making us fat, hiding information about what causes obesity. I believe that artificial chemicals are not the way to go. Drinking a gallon of diet soda a day is disgusting and probably will kill you instantly. So the next time someone offers you a glass of liquid love handles smack'em with your pimp hand.

But hey in my current state of fatness what do I know? I think congress should show them the hand, and make it illegal for punks to use the word diet soda.

BTW I lost 9lbs so far in Weight Watchers without the use of these so called diet elixirs.

1 me, 0 them.

Eyes Wide Open.

I am so ghetto. I just can't stop writing about the bling.

I've found the must have products for women coast-to-coast on a budget. Its the one product every girl needs to look fresh, awake and ready for Kung Fu.

You'll really wake-up when you realize its gonna cost between $589- $14 million a tube for mascara and lipstick. But hey... its a deal because their cases are covered in Swarovski Crystals or pink diamonds. Plus it makes you feel kinda cool and that's priceless...

Hornets and lipstick and diamonds...oh my!!

Pimp My Chalupa

We are always looking for new things to pimp. Who thought that vagina's would be one of them?

When I worked in San Francisco I was was exposed to many types of "Designa Vagina's". Some wanted shapes, some letters. Others wanted to bling-bling the "thing".

I remember one stripper who always wanted a heart (which I thought was kinda lame actually). Oh and by the way I got the vibe that she was actually a five dollar hooker. Come to think of it anyone paying $5 for a hooker might think heart shaped pubic hair to be a bonus.

There was also the crystal gem application which was really fun and does look cool for special occasions. Every year on Valentines Day we did hearts and on the 4th of July lots of American Flags.

I do think having all the hair ripped off your crotch to apply the flag is definitely patriotic.


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