Ayurveda. Real Or BS? You Be The Judge.

I once worked in a spa where I had to perform Ayurvedic body treatments. Before I did the service I had to determine what Dosha someone was to know what Indian herbs/essential oils and killer tea would be used to balance the body. Literally.

You might be asking what is a Dosha?
According to Ayurveda, each of us has a unique mix of three mind/body principles which creates our specific mental and physical characteristics. These three principles are called 'Doshas'. Most of us have one or two Doshas which are most lively in our nature, with the remaining one(s) less significant.


What are the 3 Doshas?
The three doshas are known as: Vata, Pitta and Kapha.

My client had to take a test and answer questions about their personality/physical traits and also their bowel movements. Instead of filling out paperwork (like a normal spa) we were required to ask them them very intimate questions in person.

Whats the scoop on your poop? A friend of mine used to say

On this day this client was a guy.

After he took the test we did the treatment. After the treatment I gave him his special Ayurvedic tea. After the special Ayurvedic tea his throat closed up and he had to go to the hospital.

Trying to explain to his doctor what was in this stuff was priceless......

Why I Could Never Have A Foot Fetish.

I'll never suck a toe. Never!

I decided to attend a Reflexology course that would take a week to get certified in "Spa Reflexology". What a pack of lies this class was. I deeply regret the whole experience.

I thought the theory part of the class was interesting and I love the concept behind all Eastern Medicine so that was not a problem for me. What was a problem for me was the realization that I could not wear latex gloves during the technical part of the class. I had to touch and work on some strangers feet for 2 days straight giving her a total of 8 Reflexology treatments. Its not unusual to be disgusted by feet so why not let people know ahead of time the criteria for passing the class? Why let us suffer?

I was not allowed to use essential oils on the her feet (I asked). It was supposed to be against protocol. I just think the instructor was conspiring to torture me. Maybe she was jealous of my being such a good stinky foot massager.

As an esthetician essential oils had always been my crutch, my saving grace, from the worlds dirtiness. For example if someone had bad breath or body odor I could just put some tangerine oil in my steamer and be transported to citrus groves.

Its not just about the fact that I had to touch her feet, its that they made us smell the feet. In Reflexology they say that feet that smell like cheese indicate that the person is toxic and feet that smell like Ammonia indicate and acidic system. Supposedly this diagnosis would determine the treatment schematic.

Yada, yada.

Either way, not fun.

As I work on her feet they begin to sweat (each and every time) and stink, and you know I could not say anything.

For this reason I hated that class, and to this day, I really hate feet.

Canceling An Appointment With Your Waxer Might Be Deadly

If you know anything about me you'll know I started my first business out of my home in San Francisco.

I get this new client who is a total pain and she wants me to recommend skincare to her while waxing her. The funny thing is she wanted to talk about the fluff that she can buy in the drugstore. So I am trying to explain to her that because I am an esthetician I never go to the drugstore and could not tell her about the skincare there. I would never buy that stuff. Lets face it, if that stuff actually worked, I would not have a job.

After we finish her full body wax for only $100 (hey she was a size zero) she proceeds to eat up my time by repeating her request for drugstore skincare recommendations. Annoying!!!

In the following months she booked three more appointments but never showed up for them. She was so inconsiderate. I started to feel like a loser. Who did she think she was messing with?

She would beg me to see her at 7am before she had to go to work. Like an idiot I had allowed her to push me to make the appointment again and again. She would always cancel last minute after I had set-up for her and heated the wax for over an hour. This is one of the reasons why spas ask for your credit card number before taking appointments. I was really getting fed up with this and did not have a credit card terminal.

She was just pushy and I was sick of it. My time is worth money and she was wasting it.

Its times like this that I just wanna "throw down" as they say. I start to fantasize about buying brass knuckles (pink ones of course cuz I'm a lady) and beating her. I imagine a scene like "spa people" meet "Fight Club".

Pink boxing gloves maybe?

Hey lets elaborate on this... Imagine me killing her, I mean actually killing her over missed appointments. I could see it now on the news. They come to my house, arrest me, find her DNA in my wax pot and haul my sorry arse off to jail. Ok,ok I'm just kidding I am seriously over it.

So lets get back to what happened. The fourth time she booked an appointment I slept in. I figured she would not show. She showed! She knocked on my door for over 20 mins while I lay in bed watching TV. Over the next few months she called me several times apologizing and asking me if she had offended me in some way. I never called her back.

Payback.

Death Of A Stiletto Junkie

If you ever want a really good pedicure, go to a very upscale spa in your area. They are much cleaner than the usual cheesy nail place around the corner.

You know the place. A land where quick dry only costs a dollar and somehow you leave paying $70 dollars when you only intended to spend 10.

You gotta watch out for these people. Most speak no English and barely sanitize the cuticle cutters. Once my mother told me she saw someone folding the dirty wet towels used to wipe feet of and putting them back in the "hot towel cabbie". Lovely.

I too used to go to these places until I got the warts (on my feet). If you have ever gotten warts on your feet you know how painful they can be. I got 18 on one foot and 5 on the other. It was an infestation that took more than 6 months to resolve.

Now at the time I was in sales in NYC and had to look the part. Everyday I was wearing stiletto's and a suit to work. I just could not get through the day without my Isabella Fiore's. So in attempt to retain my hotness I chose to limp rather than wear sneakers. That was until I threw my knee out. I ended up on the couch for a week which sucked.

Unfortunately I have not been able to get back into my pumps, my knee just won't have it.

To The Spa Conspirators: Don't Bite The Hand That Feeds You

I will never forget my first real job as an esthetician. I had worked at a bunch of "eh" places before finally landing a job in my first "big spa". This spa was the "creme de la creme" in Stamford, CT. It was 3 floors and probably 30,000 square feet. They had over 200 service providers including facialists, hair stylists and nail techs.

Now what makes me laugh is the fact that when they hired me they told me that I did not have enough experience. Duh! They said they were hiring me because they liked me so much. But of course!

Anyway I worked for $12 an hour plus tips (this was 10 years ago) because that's what they paid until the 3rd month. If you made it to the 3rd month past their "so called training program" you got 40% commission off everything and of course, tips.

Now one of the things us estheticians have a problem with (when we are new) is running on time. It very difficult to he meet the demands of the client in the allotted time slot allocated by the spa. Frequently the client is told they are getting a one hour facial. But little do they know this includes the time the esthetician has to clean the the room, and set up for the next client.

Now I probably ran late to a few clients and I can remember one in particular being really pissed about it. I also think I was set-up. There are a select amount of people that come to the spa just to report back how the service was. Sometimes they are other estheticians that work at other spas or former employee's. At the time I did not know about these "secret spa informants".
Why was I set-up? Because estheticians are vile. Trust me I am one. If we are not fully booked with a waiting list to get in to see us don't hire others. That's just our bottom line. Somebody must have been whining about the new hire...me (who by the way was the top sales person for 2 months in a row).

Superstar!

So I get called into the office telling me that they are hearing that I am inexperienced. They tell that there have been client complaints. I know this hasn't happened.

They then tell me that if I want to stay I have to pay another esthetician to train me. I am to pay her $50 an hour for this training. I do. After that they have me give another facial to their manager who tells me that the creme I put on her feet is burning. Is this my fault? They provide this stuff!

Oh and by the way, having to touch her feet during a facial is asinine. This spa owner wanted us to give our clients a hand and foot massage during this ritual. This is the stupidest thing I have every heard. Remember the time I actually have to do this.

So to make a long story come to an end I am dismissed. I am an told to go out and get some post grad education and then come back to the spa when I am more experienced. No thanks. I hate feet.

The guy that fires me is a construction worker who inherited this 10 million dollar spa from his poor deceased wife. After they tell me I'm fired this Tony Soprano wannabe says, and I quote, "you just didn't make the cut kid".

Last month I heard they had 27 hair stylists walk out within a week. They took all their clients with them and went to work in a place 1 block away. That's just priceless.

The moral of the story? If you swim with sharks you'll likely get bit.

Have We Run Out Of Innovative Skincare?

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
-Andy McIntyre and Derek Bok

Sometimes its easy to spot false advertising claims. Sometimes not so much. Remember the only innovation lies in the advertising not the skincare.

Instant face lift cream! Erase those lines in minutes! C'mon!

The newest more clever claim is the "All Natural" approach. Some companies throw the natural word around knowing natural sells. They even design their packaging with earthy colors to trick your mind. These companies rely solely on marketing statistics. They know most people don't buy something based on ingredients. Most people don't understand what they do. I am here to teach you that reading ingredients is the only way to know the truth. Have you met my friend Google? Do the research yourself.

They Have PRopaganda: Expensive products have better ingredients.

I Have Truthful Tourette’s: The price of the product depends on the company making it. You can pay top dollar for the same chemicals that comprise a cheap product. Fancy marketing, good PR and huge AD budgets are what you pay for. Most popular skincare lines spend over 90% of their budget on this. The rest is spent on the actual development of the product.

Sometimes its only 3%.

After talking to a chemist I discovered some things. Chemists say that their clients come in looking for the same thing all the time. The concerns are how a product looks, how it feels after application, its fragrance and that its as cheap as possible. After all we force the hand of the labs to provide up with crap products by buying this garbage at the drugstore. In response to this, labs use inexpensive fillers and preservatives that are made in bulk. This stuff is cheap and chock full of harmful toxic chemicals.

These same chemicals are sometimes used to clean grease off garage floors. Some are also found in household cleaners.

Shocked?

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. -Gloria Steinem

I'm Simply Too Cool For School

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-Mark Twain

The beginning started out going to school to get my license 9 years ago. This means completing a 600 hour course and taking a state exam and passing it. In truth the schools that estheticians must attend are tragic (read my "Sperm Is Firm" post). Most of them don't even have the proper supplies. They are teaching out dated procedures with poor quality products just so the aspiring technician has something to work with. We are just going through the motions at first. No wonder nobody has any respect for us!

I remember taking my state board test in California and I had to perform a facial using tissues to remove everything! When I was asked to demonstrate waxing for the proctor they handed me honey and a Popsicle stick! Apparently they wanted me to pretend to wax. They actually graded me on this.

I quickly realized that I had learned nothing in school and decided to work with/for companies that would provide me with the real education.

After all its always survival of the fittest..